Drunken Baby

The bitch wouldn't let me suck her tits so I pissed on her when she was changing my diaper

I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you, get ready for some crazy shit.

F%CK!!! Just flipped my tricycle...Don't drink and ride.

How did Dexter's parents NOT know about his secret Lab? That electric bill had to be higher than Wiz Khalifa!

Dinosaurs are lies told to us to cover up the existence of Pokemon.

Rub a dub dub. Took a shit in the tub.

Say I says, I says, Sorry, I don't speak cuntanese.

I swear, this fucker would say "Peekaboo!", then just disappear!

Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I m sober. Sober people when I m drunk.

Volleyball = A more intense version of don't let the balloon hit the floor.

So I look around and the daycare and the place is literally crawling with chicks.

So then she sticks the thermometer up there! I'm telling you, this girl was a freak.

That gangsta feeling when you rap your favorite song without messing up.

For all of those that think alcohol is a problem... according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!

Fuck people who lock their Wi-Fi.

So I was sucking on her tits then her husband walks in and I just shit myself.

As a boyfriend, you shouldn't allow NOBODY to disrespect your girl & if you okay with that, YOU AINT SHIT.

Congrats on being one of the "cool kids" in school. Too bad about the rest of your life though.

Listen, I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

Okay, but just one more beer. I have to be up at 3 a.m. tomorrow to wake my parents up.