Barely Baked Beans

I was gonna learn piano but then I accidentally played Nintendo for thirty years.

Living with a labrador is a lot like living with a drunk guy at a party… They’re your best friend. They yell at stuff. They breathe their hot, stinky breath on you when they’re telling you a story. They eat whatever’s there. They’ll crap on the floor and feel quite bad about it.

You gotta give them little fellas a thrill 🔥

My theory on manifestation is: if infinite worlds exist, and enough versions of ourselves are manifesting good things, we are a positive creation of our other selves. 
I, however, like to imagine my other selves shitting their pants to keep them grounded. Stay humble, fools.

Does anyone else’s wife give them the big pitch about why moving the furniture around will be good for everyone?

*Every cult leader ever* Cult leader: So what’s the core belief of our sacred new order? Guy: Uh… devotion to our divine purpose? Cult leader: No. What? No. Polygamy. That’s literally the whole point. How are you confused right now.

I assume the best part about having a young son is someone finally thinking you’re packing a huge Hogg

Everyone makes fun of the old men posting bad selfies as profile pics but, the fact is, they’re more free than any of us.

Love thy friendship - when your dogs have your back 💪

People are more stressed nowadays because we have to return phone-calls.
Back in the day, you could just say, ‘Did someone ring? I have no idea. I’ve been listening to cassettes on my Casio Walkman.

I love middle eastern food. I guess you could say I’m a hummus-sexual.

[Wife comes home and finds something wrecked] Me, to the dogs: Just shut up and let me do the talking...

Just a coupla #comics

I started working out so I’d look good if someone saw me through the crack in my blinds. My body improved, but no one was watching—so I left them open. Still nothing. Long story short, I’ve been arrested for public nudity.

No force on Earth is stronger than two dudes hyping each other up to do something incredibly dumb.

They say a glass of red wine a day is good for your cholesterol. Two beers can reduce the risk of heart disease. One shot of tequila will aid with digestion. Put down the fruit smoothie—you’re wasting your time.

At some point when you’re living with a Labrador, you kind of accept that you’re probably eating a bunch of dog hairs every day.

who needs tv when i can just watch my dog play guitar

Just stop and give em a little sniffy-sniff

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@thefunnytweeter Huge! Thank you 🫶

If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?