B.E.L.L Ent

WHY MY MOM LEARNT TO PLAY CLARINET? My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday.A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

Painting a roller coaster: So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door. Now let me say in my defense the neighborhood I lived in was in south Dallas and it’s still not a safe place. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. And that’s the story of how my entire block found out that the abandoned house had new owners.

A matter of punctuation An English professior wrote the words, “Woman withour her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman! Without her,man is nothing.”

How can he explain it? An old gentleman was walking slowly along a street one day when he saw a little boy who was trying to reach a door bell which was too high for him. He was a kind – hearted old man, so he stopped and said. “I will ring the bell for you.” And then he pulled the bell so hard that it could be heard all over the house. The little boy looked up at him and said. “ Now we will run away. Come on” And before the old gentleman knew what was happening, the naughty boy had run round the corner of the street, leaving the man to explain to the angry owner of the house why he had rung the bell.

Will you describe the game? A wife was angry with her husband who had a frivolous nature. She asked him: - Where were you last night? You didn\'t get home until near 2:00am. Do you think I don\'t know? The husband quickly defended himself: - I went out to watch the Football Match next door. Alas! You know, England beat Germany 4 to 1. Oh how beautiful it was. The wife knew very well the kind of story her husband would tell. - Really? So, you will describe the game to me, won\'t you?

2. College Letters A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Bats A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy. "Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin didn't!"

New Career A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."

Mean Old Woman An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.

AUSSIE GRASSHOPPERS A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." When the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field, he asks, "And what the heck are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

WHO WAS SURPRISED ? The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door.After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whaddya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."

SECRET OF YOUR SUCCESS … "Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president. "Two words" "And, Sir,what are they?" "Right decisions." "And how do you make right decisions?" "One word." "And,sir, What is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get Experience?" "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions"

TWO KIDS … Two little kids are in a hospital, lying next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.” The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.” And the second kid says, “Whoa, I had that done when I was born, couldn’t walk for a year.”

MY THREE CHEAP SONS The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside. "You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married." "What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?" "Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

WHY MY MOM LEARNT TO PLAY CLARINET? My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday.A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

Attending a wedding for the first time, Carol whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why’s the groom wearing black?”

Benjamin Franklin: Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing.

Life is not fair, please get used to it

To the world, you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.