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Dear Homophobic Vending Machine:
I'm sorry my dollar bill wasn't straight enough for you. Go fuck yourself.
Sincerely,
Skittle-less
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BonaFideIntent
22.2K posts
BonaFideIntent
@BonaFideIntent
Sometimes, I pretend I'm an Olympic swimmer & swim in a tub of Goldfish crackers wearing arm floaties. Sometimes, I'm not on drugs.
Tampa, FL Katılım Mart 2012
2.6K Takip Edilen6.8K Takipçiler
Help a girl out & cast a FREE VOTE every 24hrs?! 💙😘
cover.inkedmag.com/2024/christina…
#inked #tattoo #inkedgirls
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I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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12 Vicodin MAY be my limit. I've been in bed for 3 hours, polishing a tomato with a dryer sheet I found hidden in the leg of my sweatpants.
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Watched Top Chef. Got motivated. Made dinosaur chicken nuggets in the microwave. Eating them in the order they died in the food chain.
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If you think I'm tweeting this in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero & a candy necklace.
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Home alone. Drunk. In a penguin costume. Wish you were here.
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Life is better after having sex. Or when you know you're about to have sex. Or when you know someone wants to have sex w you.
Probably.
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Bitch, this is an elevator ride not a tea party. Stand in your corner & stop talking to me.
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Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you're crossing a border. Then don't do that.
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Time is precious. That which is dearest to you can be ripped away unexpectedly. Savor every moment!
RIP
My Box of Stolen Animal Crackers
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It's a tweet people, not your diary. Let's stay focused here.
Unrelated: I am eating a sandwich. It has cheese on it.
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Mowing the lawn. Idk who's lawn I'm mowing. Or how I escaped Home Depot on a stolen mower. I've collected 27 garden gnomes & a plastic duck.
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I've drank about $256.43 in liquor. I'm making grilled cheese. Without cheese. Or bread. I'm frying butter in a pan. This is a cry for help.
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If I had a dollar for every time someone said they wanted to have sex with me, I'd have $0.13
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My Aunt: The BEST murder weapon is an icicle. No evidence or DNA. Trust me on this.
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR TWITTER HANDLE TO BE?!?
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I was mid-masturbation & thought of a good tweet. I stopped masturbating to tweet it.
This is the tweet.
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I took a brief intermission..
Was the emotional trauma of losing a gummy bear in your vagina while masturbating drunk discussed yet? ..No?
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Some guy rides on a boat & gets a DAY named after him. I rode on a boat & all I got was drunk, nauseous, & public nudity charges. The fuck..
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