🇻🇦Bug Hall🌱

Just finished rereading War & Peace and while I love the book it also reconfirmed me in my opinion that if you prefer Tolstoy to Dostoevsky you need your head examined.

Why art thou sad o my soul, and why dost thou disquiet me? I don't expect many to see this, and I don't often ask for personal prayers, but I could use them. For the first time in years, the absurd and grand vision is grown faint and far. There were doubts when I first started this adventure six years ago, but those were just the rational questioning of God's will. As the years went on, and an abundance of consolations were granted, doubt became unthinkable. Now two years after our eviction from the farm I built with mine own hands, two years of ups and downs, necessary side quests, and lots of uncertainty, I'm having a hard time seeing the once crisp picture clearly in the phantasm. I'm a wretch for this doubt. The overwhelming support, and God's good providence remains obvious, but appetites and attachment to particulars has worn my will to the nub. My bride and babies are as happy and hopeful as ever, and my dispondency is hidden to them. I myself, am even aware of the sheer irrational nature of it (I'm a man of extraordinary blessings and abundant riches), but still it persists. It's been a hard two years of odd jobs and resource management to climb out of the eviction hole. I don't post this for pity, but mainly to encourage the bretheren. Even now, I remember CS Lewis's comment about Faith being the holding of truths once known, even in the face of changing emotions. I say the same is true of Hope. The same will almost certainly come for you, and probably already has in varying ways and degrees. But we soldier on through the fog of what might look like the closing of a bright day, because with God, all darkening nights are actually the bird-song of a new day. Rigid is truly the wood of that cross which bore the weight of both our sins and our salvation. We are never orphaned or abandoned by our Beloved. Pray that I persevere in Hope. Unless the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.