Cat Thug Life

"I'd like to buy this condom please." "Sir... that's a sleeping bag," she says as I wink at her AND that's how I impressed the hot cashier

How to get seduce women: Make the McDonald's girl eat a McDouble with you like when people buy shots for hot bartenders

"is Pepsi ok?" (my drug dealer, trying to be funny)

Nicki, I already told u my anaconda don't want none unless u got snake food! You keep feeding him buns and now the carbs are making him fat

Girls say I'm like a cat during sex because I hiss at them when I get uncomfortable and I leave behind small fur balls when I'm finished

Sometimes in the car I pretend I'm a cat and run over a few people before driving off a bridge and die in the water

You know my self-esteem is low when a girl rejects me and I completely agree with her and support her decision

When I take my shirt off, I hope girls that see the scratches on my back assume I'm great in bed and not that I enjoy giving cats piggybacks

"A gripping tale of love and survival" is how one reviewer described me falling down the stairs with my cat

How do you know you're allergic to cats if you've never ate one?

Lighten up your Walmart experience by asking where the toilet paper is when using a change room. If the employee laughs, ask for the manger

*I arrive at the vet with my washing machine* "Hold tight Snuggles... WAIT! If u r here then..." *cat is at home with mouth full of laundry*

What I called "the night of drinking when I almost died" in first year is now called "Wednesdays" in second year

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, was probably shopping at Walmart

Hey china, it's easy to have genius kids when you kill all of the other ones

Why make university the best 4 years of my life when it can be 5. #failing

I like to think of myself as I kind person. I always hold the door open for women.... but they never get in the van.

Sorry I'm late for class, my pet rock had a seizure

Lost my virginity... my dog, His name is Virginity.

I'm that guy that wears 4 layers of shirts to strip poker