cat_knits (Same name elsewhere)

Hegseth is blaming Biden for military vaccine mandates. The flu shot’s been required since 1945. Joe Biden was 2.

The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings and it's still not as sensitive as a man on Twitter who has been told he's wrong.

commuting an hour to work just to use a laptop that was already at home

Logging onto the dark web (teams, outlook, and excel)

Any wjord can have a silent ‘j’ if you have the cjourage.

Has anyone in Britain ever actually had their arm broken by a swan?

Gas would be so much cheaper if Donald Trump hadn't raped children with Jeffrey Epstein

The Strait of Hormuz should have something like a fridge light so we would know whether it's open or closed 🤭

One of the craziest things about having a cat is sometimes you’ll go to pet them and they’ll just be wet and you have no idea why or how

I was skeptical, but now I’m completely convinced. Fencing will become super popular due to this one very particular improvement to the sport. “Sword tip visualization” It’s going to debut at the summer olympics. Every single duel will look like a bloody lightsaber fight

Elon is a pedophile with no friends

We always say we think strategically and long-term. We aim for world cricketing domination by the year 2082. The fact none of our current Board will be alive then is immaterial.

Things I have learned from the movies" Having watched hundreds of movies, they have taught me many things that I would like to share with you today: 1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. 3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. 6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. 7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. 8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. 10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. 11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. 12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. 13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. 14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 15. All single women have a cat. 16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. 18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. 19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. 20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. 21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. 22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. 24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. 27. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 28. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 30. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

@pepperbug my face around 3pm at work every day:

Aladdin parks like an idiot.

📍SF Bay Area We still have all these very adoptable kittens waiting for homes somehow: Goomba, Toadette, Carol & Hubert, and Soda Can They're getting close to 1 year old and are getting passed up for younger kittens. They're all extremely sweet 💔

all of California: you know what to do

🙂