VeryBritishProblems

Mildly thrilled to announce my new book: A Very British Midlife Crisis - A Survival Guide to the Best Years of Your Life (by me, Rob Temple, creator of Very British Problems). Out in Autumn but available to pre-order now.

I’m stress-eating bourbons while pacing around the living room.

You know when a British person says “we should probably start to think about making a move” they’ve been wanting to leave for hours.

I actually muttered the words “it’s a bit chilly” this morning. Felt nice to say that again.

I’m trying to think of the greatest British warnings. My favourites include: 1. Watch it. 2. You’re on thin ice. 3. I’ve had just about enough of this.

Is anyone else still recovering from staying up for the football the other day? I’m getting too old for this.

My life is just opening my phone to look at something, forgetting what it was I was going to look at, looking at something else instead, closing my phone, then remembering what I was meant to look at, opening my phone to look at it, forgetting what it was I was going to look at, looking at something else instead, closing my phone, then remembering what I was…

Right… a cup of tea I think. As soon as my hands stop shaking. #MEXENG

Oh good… sunrise.

@______JC_____ Well it’d be weird not to seeing as they’re all watching it with you.

@SoVeryBritish Celebrating goals by screaming as loud as I can, with my Missus, 13 year old daughter and (woken up at 01:45) 8 yr old daughter. It only comes round once every 4 years.

Celebrating goals by silently raising my arm in front of a telly that’s on volume level 2 so I don’t wake my other half. #MEXENG

“GOAL!!!”

I wish I could possess the same calm demeanour as the people who hog the middle lane of the motorway going at 50mph. They look so serene. You glance at their faces and they appear to have not have a care in the world, just staring forward with smug, gormless little smiles. I want that kind of unthinking bliss to find me.

I just gave way to another motorist and accidentally gave them a thank you wave. I LET THEM THROUGH WHY AM I THANKING THEM?!? 😭😭😭

Nice work, sir 🫡

Was just walking to the Co-op. Passed a man walking the other way, talking on his phone. Heard him say, “Yes, darling, just stopped to get some sort of salad-y thing for lunch.” He was eating a Magnum.

Hot countries: “Freezers in our supermarkets? Yes of course we have them. Where else would we keep frozen food? Yes, they work just fine.” Britain when it’s hot: “Nah all our supermarket freezers break down when it’s above 25°C outside for some reason. And when one breaks we just draw a curtain over it like it’s a dead horse. It’s not a great system, but what can you do?”

It’s officially the hottest June day EVER in the UK. The 1976 record has fallen.

Joking on social media about the weather being hot in Britain - the comments: 1. People playfully agreeing and joining in the fun. 2. People saying “Stop moaning, it’s lovely!” 3. Someone from another country who’s never been to Britain on a hot day saying “That’s not hot.” 4. Someone saying it’s insensitive to be lighthearted about the weather because weather can be dangerous. 5. Someone from America saying “Don’t you guys have air conditioning?” 6. Someone mentioning 1976 again. 7. Someone saying “Some of us have to work” as if they’re the only person who has to work. 8. Someone saying “It’s meant to rain next week.” 9. Someone saying “Where do you live?! I live in Britain and it’s not hot where I am?!?” as if that means it can’t be hot anywhere else. 10. Someone saying “British houses aren’t designed for heat”.

Hear me out: instead of a hydration break… a slice of cheddar break. #worldcup

@SoVeryBritish Good on him for calling you out. Unless he had bought something from the pharmacy he wouldn’t have known. He was trying to keep the costs down for everyone including you. I applaud him.

Distressing incident in Big Tesco. Strap in, everyone. I went to the checkout with my trolley. There was one man ahead of me with his wife and child. I unloaded my items onto the conveyor belt behind him. Now, earlier in my shop, I’d visited the chemist section and bought some medicine. Since I didn’t have to pay for it again at this till, obviously, I’d left it in my trolley, planning to wheel it straight out to my car once I’d paid for everything else. When the man finished paying and it was almost my turn, I pushed my now-empty trolley (apart from the medicine) towards the head of the till. That’s when he glanced back at my trolley with a slightly disgusted look and loudly said, “You’ve left something in your trolley, mate.” Startled by the unexpected interaction, I mumbled on autopilot, “Oh, yeah, sorry, thanks” and picked up the medicine. He shook his head slightly, widened his eyes at the checkout operator, and walked off. It wasn’t until he was a short distance away that I came to my senses. I turned to the staff member and said, “I’ve already paid for this, actually.” She replied, “Yes, I know. That’s fine.” It was only then that I started to feel a deep, burning resentment for the man. He clearly thought I was a thief - and worse, a thief he’d just caught in the act! How very galling. Once again, I shan’t sleep tonight, folks.