VeryBritishProblems

It’s now less than two weeks until Christmas Day. Still got people to shop for? If there’s one person on your list who’s notoriously hard to buy for - someone who mostly just loves a good moan about things, and someone you don’t really want to spend a fortune on - then my book A Very British Christmas is perfect for them. It’ll keep them quietly chuckling until at least the 27th of December. Plus, it’s extremely easy to wrap (being a rectangle and all) 🎁

@NocturnalToker It doesn’t burn early in the morning. When the guy said it was too hot for him he was talking about the weather recently in general, not at that specific early morning moment when it was still only warm.

@SoVeryBritish Shouldn't be taking dogs out in this heat. Asphalt burns dogs paws.

My very British exchange early this morning: Dog walker: “It’s warm already!” Me: “I know, I could get used to this!” Dog walker: “Oh no, it’s too hot for me!” Me: “Yes, me too!” Can’t believe I folded like that. Pathetic. I’m so weak.

Oh, surprise surprise, last summer’s version of me didn’t clean the barbecue grill plate. Hate that guy.

The great British heatwave is underway. The supermarket is packed. The sausage aisle is busier than a nightclub on New Year’s Eve. One man has no top on. A woman just said “How about some kebabs on sticks? Will they do?” A chap just muttered “mustn’t forget coleslaw”. Someone else simply shouted “BUNS!” It’s all go.

When you park in an empty car park and someone comes and parks in the spot right next to you. What is wrong with these people?!

Guaranteed ways to insult a British person: 1. Accept a cup of tea, take one sip and then leave the rest 2. Don’t put the next customer divider down in the supermarket 3. Criticise their home town when you’re not from their home town (even though they themselves think their home town is rubbish) 4. Park in front of/near their house 5. Fail to realise that they’re in the queue

I was very British today. I made a decision to be more assertive, and one of the first things I did after making that decision was to enter a lift and apologise for pressing the button I needed.

Just when I thought I had my finances under control, I had to buy a bottle of water from the airport.

@paulspond1 Thank you that really made me chuckle 😂 Happy birthday!

@SoVeryBritish It’s worse than that. I’m on my holiday in Portugal and it’s my birthday

I can’t believe I’ve only just found out that the bird-related UK road crossing names all stand for things: Pelican: “PEdestrian LIght CONtrolled” Puffin: “Pedestrian User-Friendly Intelligent” Toucan: Because bicycles and pedestrians can cross together (two can cross) I thought they just named them after birds because birds are nice 🤦‍♂️

@AareHmd What type of bird is a zebra?

@SoVeryBritish Zebra

@paulspond1 Hey you’re the one commenting on a post about road crossings

@SoVeryBritish You need to get out more

Sir David Attenborough, national treasure, is today celebrating his 100th birthday. But did you know he was not only instrumental in popularising colour television, but also snooker? In the 1960s, he was Controller of BBC2. Shortly after the channel began broadcasting in colour, he created the snooker tournament Pot Black, seeing the game as an ideal way to showcase the new colour telly technology. The series helped transform snooker from a minority sport into one of the most popular in the UK.

Dishwasher: “Hey, you don’t need to rinse anything first, just chuck it in me, I can handle it! In fact, it’s better NOT to rinse first!” Guacamole: Hold my beer

@viralumen @pidriarel Ive posted 5 times in the last 15 days. That’s 5 minutes of activity on this app in half a month. The account is about how British people are reluctant in social situations, & exaggerated for fun. It’s really not as deep as you think. I’m going back to my family holiday now 👋

@pidriarel @SoVeryBritish I sometimes forget that the reason a lot of these accounts are so active and big is because they don't really have a life outside of social media. It makes sense when you remember that. Social interactions make them uncomfortable and/or are unwanted most of the time

A recent report says that voice notes are huge across the world… apart from in Britain. Here’s my two cents (or pennies) on why I dislike voice notes: 1. I don’t want to have to put in earphones or find a quiet place when out and about, just for you to tell me “yes” or “no” about whether you’re free for a cup of tea next Wednesday. 2. While I’m watching telly, I want to be able to glance down at my phone and get the information I need in text form. I don’t want to have to turn the telly off and listen to your private podcast that’s just for me. 3. I don’t want to wade through three minutes of waffle and chit-chat I never asked for when a thumbs-up emoji will do. 4. It makes me feel like you expect a voice note back - and I’m not doing that. 5. I have no interest in tangents about how you’ve just seen an interesting pigeon on the pavement. I asked if you could give me a lift to the station, and 12 minutes in you’re talking about a pigeon and I’ve missed my train. 6. The convenience is all yours. It’s quick to send a voice note, but much slower for me to consume it. It’s bad manners. I think that about covers it. Of course, if voice notes are a more accessible option for the sender (due to difficulty typing, vision impairment, language barriers, etc.), that’s completely understandable - a different kettle of fish! But if you just like waffling, I’d rather not be the waffle sounding board. (Really I think I’m just jealous of people who are able to talk coherently for minutes at a time).

Being British is just swapping between saying “meant to rain this weekend” and “meant to be warm this weekend” Very occasionally you get to incorporate a ”meant to snow”.

All my small talk this month is based on it looking warm outside but it actually being quite cold.

High juice people like to think they’re better than squash people, but squash is the superior drink.

Has anyone in Britain ever actually had their arm broken by a swan?