Celebrity Pastor

Lotta people upset at me for wearing military garb all day. They say things like, “You were never in the military,” and, “No you don’t get a veteran’s discount.” FALSE. I’m in the Lord’s army. How dare you disrespect my rank?

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom who raised a legend.

Our "legal" team says using t-shirt guns to fire eggs into the crowd tomorrow is a "bad" idea. They wouldn't know visionary leadership if it slapped them in the face.

I don't get why people are so fired up that I wear sneakers made out of albino rhino skin that cost $34,000. That's why we take up love offerings, right?

Was it too much to fake my death on stage using 412 fake blood packets and 7 chainsaws? Maybe. I suppose I care too much about people’s salvation.

Never more frustrated than when I tell the congregation to throw their hands in the air but it’s really obvious that they DO care. #Hypocrites

One of my favorite Psalms. #blessed #motivational

I read this before every staff meeting.

@soullifter57 You’re fired

@CelebrityPastor If you don't cough up the key to your sermon, just remember that this, too, will pass.

Turns out that regurgitating a swallowed handcuff key is way harder than David Blaine makes it look. If I don’t figure this out before Sunday my sermon is really gonna fall flat.

@BrianMcgee @angiebeloved Not the one near us

@CelebrityPastor @angiebeloved Chuck E Cheese switched to game cards a while ago

Let’s say a TOTALLY hypothetical pastor invested a lot of church money in what he thought was Bitcoin but actually turned out to be Chuck E Cheese tokens. Would there be any hypothetical legal problems? Remember, totally not a real situation.

@HydroIsaac Well I did that last year and all the kids came down with infectious diseases

@CelebrityPastor Sounds like a great plan to make this years VBS extra special. #winning

So that’s how it’s gonna be @jdgreear. I offer you a 42 person hover board escort for your coronation and you say that’s “too showy” for the SBC. I have it on good authority that @drmoore wears suits made from seal skin. Who’s showy now?

Lotta haters spreading rumors that I don’t do my own stunts in my sermons. YOU THINK I GOT FLAMETHROWER BURNS ON 2/3 OF MY BODY IN A GARDENING ACCIDENT????

Really tired of our “CFO” Nick. Every time I roll out a brilliant church growth plan, he’ll say something stupid like, “Technically that’s a Ponzi scheme.” I DIDN’T REALIZE THE GOVERNMENT WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN GOD, NICK

Okay yeah I pay my tithe every week with a giant Publishers Clearing House check. That was literally the only checks the bank had. Take your judgment elsewhere

Okay deep breath. 4 out of 8 smoke machines just failed. I trained for this at seminary. I am literally Capt Sullivan right now. Time to land this plane.

If someone hypothetically needed to last minute get fifteen live howler monkeys for a sermon titled “Stop Monkeying Around On The Planet of the Apes”, where would he do so? Asking for a friend. Man that friend is good at sermon titles.

If you want something done right, do it yourself. I ordered 2000 pounds of heavenly glitter and told our maintenance guy Cliff to hang it from the ceiling so it would gently rain Shekinah on us. Instead it all falls at once and I’ve got 4 lawsuits to deal with.