The Colon Monologues

I asked my new class to write one thing they would like me to know before I start teaching them...

me: sure, I’ll sink this 12% no-bake-carrot-cake imperial stout, no issues. delish tomorrow’s toilet: brace for impact

i’ve said it before (in my head) and i’ll say it again (for the first time, on twitter) i’m equally relieved and gleeful every time i remember zoom doesn’t broadcast smells

a monumental shift in my bowel schedule is taking place that is extremely NOT welcome the morning dump has gone where?? when will it happen now? the rest of the day is a log minefield let me make this crystal clear - I do not support this. it is very upsetting and stressful

pure hard boiled egg

that sharp, pungent scent of dog dirt that gets you asking life’s bigger questions, like what have I been eating

pure egg and butter

so much toot (FYIIIIIIIII this is not a political comment, more a comment on the cascading contents of my colon)

the impending bog-roll extinction is making me nervous-dump an awful lot which is a dreadful catch-twenty-poo situation

@robertpopper haven’t checked if we’ve had these - not going to. 1) The Poolice 2) Fart Brut

How to ruin a band’s name with one extra letter. I’ll start: SS Club 7.

not sure my anus can handle veganuary careful

happy christmas one and all. the perfect gift

@drainbamms a log-istical nightmare

@Colonmonologues Is the poo wearing the coat? I wouldn't go so far as to say impossible, but the logistics are complex.

doing a poo with your coat on - immoral? or just plain impossible? QUICK

game changer for my skid-based tweets

@robertmoorgabe or quite simply log log (or logs log)

@Colonmonologues The log of logs

diarrhoea diaries considering a name change

@robertmoorgabe log book ?

@Colonmonologues Or the log squared

the sort of tweet that might get me back in business

@rickygervais @TheGarden @HollywoodBowl Marlowe Theatre, Canterbury! C’mon. Tim Canterbury. The Archbishop of Canterbury. Bishop Muzorewa

So, #SuperNature will be ready in a couple of months, but before I play @TheGarden or @HollywoodBowl, I might play a few places that the world's biggest comedy megastar wouldn't normally play. Do you live in a town with a nice theatre, a couple of hours drive from London?