just another 𓆏 in the machine

Eating a catfish sandwich and hush puppies at a bar where you can smoke cigarettes inside. There are 2 girls singing “Hakuna Matata” for karaoke and a third girl is twerking in front of them. The beautiful state of Missouri is in rare form tonight

@1Hailtothethief @redbull Also anything with stevia or artificial sugar fucks me up, I need that pure

@1Hailtothethief @redbull I can’t drink Monster or Celsius because they give me heart palpitations 🥺 I do the 8oz Red Bulls with 80mg of caffeine, and every once in a while I’ll get a 12oz can

Possibly the last blueberry Red Bull I will ever drink in my entire life. I hate you @redbull for discontinuing the best flavor and thereby ruining my life forever. I have already had the Etsy witches put a curse on everyone involved in the decision to pull it from production

Be warned @redbull I am also reaching out to a mage, a shaman, voodoo AND Catholic priests. The Pope said he’s very mad at you btw

@byrnebabyybyrne @redbull Careful, nothing is sacred to them!!

@DSTdenier @redbull if they take the elderberry one away 🔪

@automaticman80 @redbull The only energy drink I could tolerate without getting sick

@DSTdenier @redbull Yeah this has ruined my life also 😓 was so good with vodka too

Footage from Mexico 🇲🇽; a ‘holy’ cat named Coco 🐱⛪ stands at the entrance of a church, seemingly blessing everyone who walks in to worship 🤲🤣 Locals say this about him: ‘Coco thinks he’s the pope of the church 🤣❤️

Chapelle Roan’s security team after a 2nd grader asks for her autograph

My mother in law just used a quote from me to chastise my sister in law, and I’ve never felt more validated in my entire life. Ride or die for my MIL 😤

I was tipsy and mad at my bf last night, so when we got home I punished him by making him watch 30 minutes of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives and explained all of the backstory to him

Hilary Duff Releases New Song at Frequency Only 37-Year-Old Gay Men Can Hear: ow.ly/T2rw50YvwI3

@gratefulfred84 It is 100% that, I’m just being silly 😂 I’ve had clients call me Eric even though my name is literally in my email signature. Nobody pays attention to shit even when it’s right in front of their face

@DSTdenier It might just be people’s inability to read or pay attention. My family members name is Eryn and she gets called Ellen, Allen, Arron and anything else that sounds close.

Misgendered by the DoorDash man even though my name (Erin) is on the gd bag. Thanks FATTHEW!

@DSTdenier Try burying people while on a heroic dose of mushrooms

Hit the pen in my car before I went into work and ended up having to ride up in the elevator with my boss- instant karma

@conner_omalley We’re coming for you next England

Irish Zionism

Happy 20th anniversary to the greatest St. Patrick’s Day video on the Internet.

Me and my homies taunting the Amish