Daniel Tosh

Laughing is the best medicine. But if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

Stop feeling alone, start laughing. Stop dreaming, start believing. Stop fighting, start loving. Stop thinking, start acting.

No one makes a lock without a key. That's why God won't give you problems without solutions.

When I open a bag of bread, I skip the first piece. Because its ugly.

You're a basic bitch if u let the microwave hit 0

Laughing is the best medicine. But if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

white girls be like

I need a phone with 500% battery life.

don't ever fuck with people who have photos of you from 6th grade

i hate when you talk to someone every single day & then it just stops. all of a sudden neither of you say a word to each other ever again.

i envy people that come up with witty comebacks on the spot because i'm gonna need at least a 3 day notice

i love summer so much *sits around doing nothing*

Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.

Twitter...because our parents joined Facebook.

The only thing i can turn on is my computer 💻

Look at the keyboard. It has 'U' and 'I' together. Look underneath that. It says 'JK'.

"Mom...I'm bored" "Ok, if you're so bored why don't you clean this..." "Never mind I found something to do."

11 year old kids making Twitter accounts and shit. The fuck you gonna tweet about?! "Just leaving day care, about to go play outside."

It's not weird to talk to yourself, it's just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.