Funny One Liners

[hiding in pantry from murderer] [quietly tries to open bag of chips]

I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too

If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unnatractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career...

I wonder if wolves wear t shirts with pictures of virgins on them

Wife's a big tennis fan, telling me how disgusting she finds the constant grunting during the women's matches. I have promised her I'll stop

Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Because because Burger King did not wrap his whopper.

Bicycle cop- "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Me- "Because I let you"

"Sir, can I ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?" "Officer, I'm..." *turns to camera* "Double jointed" *cop starts breakdancing*

After 6 miserably failed dates, I'm starting to think my lucky wife beater isn't so lucky after all.

All my fish keep dying I don't think there's enough straw in their cage.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

I bought some shoes from my drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

You never realize how many folks you hate until you have to name your child.

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup today. Im expecting a massive vowel movement.

If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'