The Lord Reverend David E. Zucker

It’s called “exposure” because you can die from it. Pay your fucking workers.

For #MyTwitterAnniversary I’m quitting Twitter. Join me.

@CarolynAnnDeMel @saanbocah @gunsnrosesgirl3 They are adorable for prehistoric monsters. Who wouldn’t love that sound.

The unexpected sound of baby crocodiles

Tommy Pickles is now as old as Stu was when Tommy was born. (Didi is a year younger.)

@ryanqnorth Highlight of my career.

I took this photo a decade ago and I still haven’t shows it to @ryanqnorth. Time to fix that.

Screw all of you, this tweet was gold.

People love making meat products out of vegetables these days. What if we did the opposite? Can someone make beef protein into keto pasta? I wanna try some moodles.

My favorite part of the #HPForbiddenForrestExperience was this really tall guy who was very obviously two kids in a trench coat.

You know, a bet a few artists draw those anime foot fetish commissions just to prove they can draw feet.

This joke brought to you by the seven ornithologists and 11.5 million parakeet owners who follow #BirdJokes.

Saw a bunch of crows and ravens this weekend. I named them. • Cori • Corey • Cor Vidal • Corvidave

This might be the pinnacle of my comedic artistry.

I got a nose job the summer before senior year of college. When I came back to school people were like "Oh my god! You got bangs!" I had already had bangs. The morale of this story is that no one is paying attention to you so just do whatever you want!

This tweet dedicated to @deanmcgowan, the only person who will see and like it. Know your audience, kids.

You know the REALLY funny thing is that today Michael Scott could pick up a 5th gen iPod classic for like $50 and everyone would be all “LMFAO what would you even do with an iPod this is hilarious Jim was this you?” 🥲

@booboothefaggot More cushion?

why, as a bottom, do i opt to live off of beer and taco bell

So I keep seeing ads for sports betting apps with Kevin Hart and JB Smoove and literally no one else, so I have to wonder… Are these apps solely advertising to one demographic? Or does my browsing history just think I’m a Black man?

I sold a child-sized Boba Fett armor set from the 2000s to someone on eBay and I just need everyone to know their kid is going to win Halloween.

Same is true for peaches, really, but the amount of cyanide in a peach pit almond is pretty low by comparison.

I finally got to try a ripe cherimoya! In other news, I might have accidentally shot a seed down my throat but it wasn’t crushed so the neurotoxin inside shouldn’t be a problem. WHY THE HELL IS THIS A FRUIT WE EAT???