David Mascorro

Alfredo Sauce is just Ranch Dressing with a Passport.

Ugh, imagine the amount of banter in a DUTCH BROS job interview?

The perfect candle doesn't exi....

NEVER A DOUBT

“It started with a Ta-da… and is ending with a Ta-Davorce” - Newly single Magician

“Trick or Treat Yourself” - Me, all October

Broccoli rabe sounds less like a veggie & more like a guy named Rob who clears rooms with his farts.

Imagine living in a haunted house and being stuck with a high 30-year mortgage rate.

That was messy. But a win is a win. #GoBears

Really pulling for the Cubs in the playoffs this season—maybe they can finally fix the hole in time and space they tore open back in 2016.

Stand-up comedy is like a 💩-ty stepdad…it’s loud, disappointing, and insists it’s “just joking” when it hurts my feelings. #joke

By the end of today I will either be severely depressed or absolutely on top of the world. I can’t wait 🐻 ⬇️

These Coldplay concerts are getting out of hand.

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Damn, you sell your plasma once (fine, 12 times) and now they text like you’re in a committed relationship

You know you need to get off social media and get some sleep when your algorithm suddenly goes “JOKER COSPLAY” all of a sudden.

I don’t ever get “Fat Guy Horny” at work but today the office elevator smelled like fresh pizza.

Damn, shots fired Old Navy. Tell me how you really feel…

You Up? - Antarctica Texting Anyone

“I’m addicted to TRUE CRIME” - Target Shoplifter