Daz™️

Your body is a disneyland

This still holds up

Guy who pronounces ceviche like avicii

When I hear the word polycule this is what I imagine

"We understand you don't have time to complete this deck but we can't move the presentation" *submits not good creative deck because of lack of time* "We need to cancel the meeting this project is not up to our standards" MORAL: GIVE YOUR FUCKIN CREATIVES TIME TO DO A PROJECT

Going out in Brooklyn tonight but it’s Lisbon.

Texts from the Dems right now be like: "PLEASE, We beg of you, our NATION needs a HERO to save us from this DARKNESS. Oh how foolish we were to believe in the PROPHECY. ALL we need is $5 more dollars for our BIDEN vote drive. HARK you must help!"

@MyJewishGuilt Mu'Adib

This has been in my head for like 3 hours idk

If I was a Reductress writer: I lived it! My boyfriend is 5'7!

To the people celebrating the mass murder of Israeli civilians, you have lost your humanity. To the people enthusiastically calling for Israel to decimate Gaza, densely populated with 2 million Palestinian civilians, you have lost your humanity. Israelis and Palestinians are real people, just like you and me.

This pupusa grabs back

I cried

@thetalilama_ Important

The mohel at my bris

Girl in bridal party who asks makeup artist for juggalo makeup

@brookskarly This is an insult to mashed potatoes

advertising is fun because you get to be creative and dream big and do fun work all day, then have it all judged by the most uncreative mashed potato of a person you’ve ever met

I’d rather take 3 showers a day than wear a parka

Here's a business idea for you: drink more margaritas out of cactus stemmed margarita glasses.

@IkeYouGuys Me getting laid off

@Dingdongduckies Welcome to hell!

The orcas sunk the billionaire titanic submersible