Artificially Natural

Nigerian twitter/X used to be a hub of knowledge and intelligent discuss. And bants. Now, impressions is the order of the day, to the extent that someone would make a grammatical blunder, and no one would mock/ correct him. Omo I miss those times, but like many good things in Nigeria, it's gone.

For his birthday, David got a parrot. But this wasn’t your average, sweet-talking bird—oh no. This parrot was fully grown, had a nasty attitude, and a mouth worse than a sailor on bad coffee. Every other word was either rude, offensive, or downright unrepeatable! David tried everything to fix this feathered menace. He spoke kindly to it, played soft music, even tried classical radio—nothing worked. The more polite David was, the more disrespectful the parrot became. He yelled, it yelled louder. He threatened it, it cursed him out. It was like living with a feathery little gangster. One day, at his wit’s end, David lost it. In a moment of pure desperation, he gently shoved the parrot into the freezer for just a few seconds—just to cool him off (literally and figuratively). The bird went wild—squawking, scratching, kicking the door—then suddenly… silence. Panicked, David flung open the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out, eyes wide, feathers slightly frosty, and said in the most polite tone ever: “Sir, I deeply apologize for my past behavior. I have seen the error of my ways and I will make every effort to be a model bird from now on. Please forgive me.” David stood there, stunned, trying to process the sudden transformation. Before he could say a word, the parrot leaned in and whispered: “…May I ask… what exactly did the poor chicken do?” 🤣🤣🤣

@HannahIamthest1 "Hallway sex". Are there marriages like this?

A young guy was getting ready for his wedding, and his dad was helping him dress. His dad said, “Son, are you familiar with the three stages of sex in married life?” The son said, “Three stages? No, what are they?” His dad said, “First, there’s Honeymoon sex — you can’t get enough of each other. Then comes Holiday sex — you only get lucky on special occasions. And finally, Hallway sex.” The son asked, “Hallway sex? What’s that?” Dad said, “That’s when you’ve been married for years, had an argument, aren’t speaking, and when you pass each other in the hallway you just say, ‘Screw you.’” 😂

A certain ethnic group in Nigeria, claims they're more patriotic than others and complains about everything, but for three years, the country has been in disarray, but they seem to have lost their voice. I won't call names.

@harhdora @MrLyonnx @kenkenlewu Just to get to know eachother

@DonsurgeonVal @MrLyonnx @kenkenlewu If he couldn't afford it why bring up d idea of d date

“You asked me on a date, and I said okay, let’s give it a try. On that date, you asked me to order what I wanted, which I did. Thank God, I just ordered stir-fried pasta and chicken with a juice. After the meal, they brought the bill. The bill was about ₦52,000, and you told me to send my part to you. Like is this even normal? You came to me for a date I never told you I wanted one. Imagine I didn't have money or I didn’t come with money for that date, what would have happened? Please, if a guy asks you out on a date, go with your money, because you can be d!s@ppointed oo. I calmly paid the whole ₦52,000 and left. I even bl0ck£d him instantly because, what the h£ck? I was on my own. You texted me that you like me, you want to see me, and now we are seeing, you’re asking me to pay for what we bought? Thank God I wasn't even gr££dy with my order. Imagine I was gr££dy, I would have been disgr@ced. If a guy tells you to come out, please just buy what you can afford and pay...” Lady stirs debate online after sharing how she paid ₦52k on a date after the man who invited her asked her to cover her part of the bill.

@Iphybest74 @MrLyonnx @kenkenlewu It's just a date. We don't live together

@DonsurgeonVal @MrLyonnx @kenkenlewu When you split bills be ready to do house chores too

@FamousJoe16 @MrLyonnx @kenkenlewu Aswear

@MrLyonnx @DonsurgeonVal @kenkenlewu The man no get sense.. na hm type dey encourage these useless entitled girls.

@Mazichinweike @MrLyonnx @kenkenlewu You dey mind am?

@MrLyonnx @DonsurgeonVal @kenkenlewu You don't need your guy to tell you that you got pay for what you bought, you will be ashamed to allow him pay for everything, at least if he buy drinks buy meat to support him that's how it's been done..

@Solomon54424123 @MrLyonnx @kenkenlewu He cant

@MrLyonnx @DonsurgeonVal @kenkenlewu Answer a simple question

@MrLyonnx @kenkenlewu I don't know the type of guys you roll with, but if I go out with my guys, everyone brings what they can to clear the bill

@DonsurgeonVal @kenkenlewu It’s pretty simple , even if it’s a guy to guy outing …. Imagine ur guy calls u to hang out make una gist small for restaurant u bought something and he said hope u get money to pay? It’s just common sense . U initiate the outing you handle the expenses is simple bro.

@loveyfunky Did you ask her what she meant by "dice it"?

I used to visit one of my aunties during midterm break when I was still in secondary school Her house was closer to my boarding school, so it made sense. But every time I went there, she would complain about being broke. Meanwhile… her kitchen was always full. Cartons of milk. Milo. Food stocked like a mini shop. Yet, anytime I was going back to school, she would never say: “Take this.” Nothing. Just transport money and bye. I didn’t even question it then… I was a contented child. One day, I was helping her in the kitchen. She handed me onions and said, “Dice it.” I froze. Because what I knew was “cut”. This “dice” sounded like big grammar. And this is the same woman that once fought her husband in my presence because he used her white onions instead of using purple onion So I knew this was not a place to make mistakes. I stood there, confused, trying to figure it out. Next thing, she snatched it from my hand and said: “Your mum didn’t teach you how to dice onions?” That was it for me. Something about that statement just… stayed. It wasn’t even the onions. It was the way she said it. After that, I stopped going there willingly. And funny enough… It’s been over 15 years now, and every time I pick up onions, that moment still flashes in my head. I know the difference between slice and dice now. But that day? Yeah… it never left me.

@unkonfined I reply everything and everyone

Do you still reply to small accounts or nah?

@travisakers No sugar for 30 days? How will I survive?

If you do this for 30 days you will be unrecognizable: -Sleep 8+ hours -Drink 2L of water a day (high pH) -Get sun daily -No sugar -Read 30 min a day -Workout 3x a week -Capture someone, cut their face off, and sew it onto your face -Meditate for 10 min daily

@MrLyonnx @kenkenlewu Splitting bills is not our culture, but going on a date is?

Firstly , that’s improper and indecent in every sense !!! The dude is just a Joke to be honest maybe he just want to ridicule her or maybe he saw this whole split bill thing and he wants to try it out , He is those kinda guy who doesn’t think thru before jumping on a new idea, he just does anything because it’s popular and because a lot of persons do it . Secondly am sure he choose the location before if she just ordered for few things like she said and it amounted to that then the place is quite pricey. It’s not her fault so nobody she please fault her . He choose the location and he requested for a date . And here we don’t split bills down here it’s not part of our culture . ………………… Th internet is really clustering people with so much information that u need to check properly what’s in peoples heads like their belief before u settle with them for ur own geud .

@MikeBales Wtf man!

Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils. One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. The kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer. "Look," said Mr. Dickson, quite enjoying himself while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little 'zero'. "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole." "Ahh, right," said the children. The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in one hole." "Hmmmm," said Mr. Dickson. "How do you put 7 holes in one? Well, I'll be darned. I don't know how to do that." "Did your father tell you how?" "Yes," said Little Johnny. "He asked me to tell you, 'Take a flute and shove it up your ass!'"

@drharveee Door to Hades

What’s the purpose of this door?

@Soaringeagle45 😂😂

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

@1meajay You don blow

omo, i really don be influencer like this?

@PATRIOT2117 😂😂 didn't see that coming

Three altar boys line up for confession. The first one goes in and says, “Bless me, Father. I’ve committed an impure act with a girl classmate.” The priest asks, “Was it Bridget O’Flaherty?” The altar boy says, “ I can’t say, father.” The priest asks, “Was it Caroline Murphy?” The altar boy says, “Please don’t ask, father.” Then the priest asks, “Was it Jennifer Smith?” The altar boy says, “If I say who it is, father, she could get a reputation.” So the priest says, “Although what you did is wrong and sinful, it is decent of you to withhold her name. For penance, I want you to say two rosaries, and you can’t serve mass for a month.” Leaving the confessional, one of the other altar boys asks him, “What did you get?” And he replies, “A month off and three good leads!”

@auradivinum You can't accept to date everyone you come across

Two months ago, I went to buy a pressing iron. The owner of the store started a conversion with me.. said he's been seeing me around, he likes me and would like us to go out on a date. Before now though, he's been showing me some green lights which I ignored. Always complimenting my looks, always selling to me at a discount whenever I go to buy things, always complimening my perfume.. etc. I immediately declined his request because I didn't see myself having anything to do with him. I wasn't just interested. 2 days ago, I went to his store to get a fuse for my led light charger as I needed to shoot content for my perfume business. I didn't meet him at the store, so I thought as usual, he probably travelled to China where he usually get his goods. His boys in the store sold to me. I hurriedly got back home to use it, but it wasn't working. Frustrated, I remembered he gave me his complimentary card. So I searched my drawer and found it. I called, the numbers were switched off. "What kind of business man has all the numbers on his complimentary card switched off?!" I muttered to myself. Well, I had to go back to the store to change the fuse. On getting there, I asked the boys that sold me the fuse where their oga was. They said he's not around. I further probed, and I asked why all the lines are off. It was then they told me that he had died about 3 weeks ago and had even been buried. They pointed to the poster at the front of the shop, which I didn't even see before now. 35 years old, handsome and full of life.. dead. I have never been more weak to my knees.. a lot of thoughts have crept in my mind for these 2 days. Now that I think about it... why did I not accept this man? He's hardworking, cheerful, financially okay, good-looking. And I was single. What made me decline? Wow!