Drunk Dialers

You can put hot water on ice to make water.

Member when we went to see my best friend play drums who is also a really famous drummer and we cried because he has something you don’t?? Haha now he’s singing songs with me about how you suck. I can’t wait to see you squirm.

our bible study is really cool and groovy cuz it’s like sex and the city meets Jesus’ love meets rosé drunk meets Shania Twain

imagine fucking the dude behind any 2 hour youtube tutorial

Let’s cut the bullshit I’d love to be Paris Hilton with a housewares licensing deal selling heart shaped bamboo wood charcuterie boards with lucite pink fake metal cheese utensils and That’s Hot sequin throw pillows to Ross

damn what’s it like working at the complaint department at a bank like wells fargo? y’all enjoy being verbally abused for working for the devil or something?

if people kidnapped beyoncé and told the world she wouldn’t release a bop + tour until they freed Palestine? at this point it seems like the only thing that helps anything change is a giant celebrity

it’s weird how you still wanna tell some people to eat shit, even tho you don’t think about them at all. someone reminds you about them and you’re like, oh yeah, that human sucked ass! then you break the seal and text ‘em that they suck and to fuck off forever, & it feels great.

be nice to gen x and millennial rock dudes today. their savior albini has risen

fuck ass

i deleted all our problematic tweets and i’m totally bringing this shit back even if i am the only drunk dialer

still here #MyXAnniversary

The Phillie Phanatic is why most people are furries.

this account has evolved into an anti capitalist account. most hate and aggression will now be deflected sarcastically to elon musk and jeff bezos

“My signature cocktail is a shot of Evan Williams.” - a bartender who knows what’s up.

Sorry your children are about to see me 7 drinks in.

This fuckin bar smells like liverwurst.

i want you to look me straight in the eye and tell me i can never eat french fries for dinner again 🥺

sometimes i wonder, how many more orders or chili fries are in my future before i have to start eating pepto and tums to prepare. how many more 3 am grilled cheeses do i have before my tummy is like i’m old wahhhh lactose ?

@duncantrussell or eat hot sauce

You can’t cum on the moon.