Bernie, but not THAT Bernie

So my new account is @LambdaTheFree. I'm gonna be leaving this one behind and starting fresh there. Feel free to follow or interact with me over there. I'm always open to making new friends, as well as reconnecting with old ones.

Holy fuck why am I on this account oops

This is fucking hilarious and screw you for thinking differently "for every shot blocked you get a box of condoms"

So I'll be linking my new account in my bio. I'm going to be following everyone I'd consider to be my friend on here, if I forget anyone, please don't be offended, follow me and I'll likely follow you back.

My ultimate goal in life is to help. And whining every second I'm on here isn't gonna help anyone. I'm sorry everyone. Sincerely. I'm going to try harder to be sincere and more helpful. I think I need some help too, honestly.

I think I might start a new account and re-follow the people I like. I've been stressing out quite a bit lately over a lot of toxic stuff I've been seeing on my timeline, as well as some of my own fuming bullshit. My resolution was to be more positive and more open, so

@aliendude93 Well two out of three isn't too bad.

@aliendude93 It's not like I'm a lemon bar, pecan sandy or the dreaded white chocolate macadamia nut person.

@aliendude93 Is oatmeal chocolate chip okay?

@ErikaHarlacher @Magicblue940 That's my time to play games until I feel like cleaning and remodeling my room randomly at like 11:30

When people invite me out after 8pm

Everybody laughs at my petition for babies to keep their genitals intact. Nobody expects to banish circumcision

Why did I have to move to a tourist trap

@HoboInANiceSuit Same but Android I literally have toy store earbuds because nowhere else in town sells headphones between $20 and $40. I ain't buying no fucking Beats or Airpods

My iPhone speaker has better sound quality than my earbuds

@aliendude93 @HoboInANiceSuit First thing I see when I pull out my phone at work.

It really do be like that sometimes, 2013 me

*record scratch* *freeze frame* Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation.

Is it even satire anymore

@HoboInANiceSuit They make it fatter but only on the underside

@EagleCheesecake Those are called your testicles

If I owned a store I would so exercise my right to refuse service to anyone to its fullest. Just walk out the office up to some dude just shopping, minding his own business comparing prices and whatnot, and I'd be like " NO SHIRTPANTS ALLOWED. GET OUT OF MY STORE, SHIRTPANTS."