Bobby Zucchini

Does it clean zucchini?

Pineapple-style chunkettes

Nice one @TheBotanics

@nicoleinoneee Just to clarify, I got up and left because of the lack of courgettes in your story. I’m no prude or anything.

One time I read a sex scene from one of my stories at a reading and an old guy literally got up and left and it was awesome. Anyway that story is now being published so my parents will end up reading it oops

you are just what this timeline needs. a dang perfect fit in the puzzle of reality. do not doubt the shape of your sides buckaroo, the picture you are helping to weave will reveal itself in the end and it is more beautiful than you could ever imagine

@nicoleinoneee 🤮

My boyfriend is a good writer AND he’s funny and frankly I think that’s rude.

@ricky_ballboy I could have told you that, mate.

I think of myself as someone who doesn’t like Bourbon biscuits. But it turns out that this is VERY MUCH not the case.

Ballin’

@MonahanRmono LOLOLOLOL good one, Ray! 😂🤣

Many of you know about my ridiculous tweets. This next one is fabulous. My daughter is voting for Elisabeth Warren. Therefore I’m committing suicide right after I spend her inheritance. Just kidding about the suicide

@ricky_ballboy @sandstonepress 🤮

Since it's #ValentinesDay, I suppose I should admit that – disguised by black humour and tears and surgical interventions – #Stroke is a 200-odd page love letter to my incredible wife [🤫 it's a huge secret 😉] Happy #Valentine2020, Pickle. Obvs.

@ricky_ballboy @BoConcept_Scot The perfect shade of courgette green

Dunno if any of you are chair/seating/design nerds, but I’d like to introduce our new arrival. V. proud of this beauty.

@nicoleinoneee @drewthetaylor How about zucchini

*trying to come up with funny baby names/reasons we should never reproduce* Me: why can I only think of porcupine? @drewthetaylor: I thought of chameleon.

“Botox is cheaper than a PhD” -@Edinbeergh

Loved this book, despite catastrophic lack of courgettes

@ricky_ballboy @TheScotsman @sandstonepress @scotsman_arts And also huge thanks to me, whom you neglected to acknowledge in the acknowledgments. You’re welcome.

Woah. Just heard #Stroke is included in @TheScotsman's list of best #Scottish #nonfiction books of 2019. Next to Limmy's Surprisingly Down to Earth and Very Funny, no less. So, that's an achievement unlocked. Huge thanks again to everyone in the acknowledgments in the book.

A THANKSGIVING EVE MIRIACLE AFTER HEARING NOISE DOWNSTAIRS I HAVE SEEN THE TURKEYMAN WITH MY OWN EYES HE HAS BROUGHT CORN FOR THE FAMILY THIS IS A BLESSED DAY THANK YOU TURKEYMAN

@alyssaowrites Eat some courgettes

A highly unusual use for them, but I’ll allow it.

Why yes I am spicy! Nice of @Origanoleith to name a pizza after me. #zucchinipiccante

@MonahanRmono The marble was ok and all, but the vegetable situation was disappointing AF.

I’ve stayed at Doonbeg its amazing and the golf course is fabulous. The villa was super all marble and tile baths great view of the sea. If Mike Pence decided to stay there I’m sure Trump picked up the tab