Nerf Herder

My vote is if they keep acting like the gays are the problem we start acting like it. Time to choose chaos.

@britabongwater Weird! It’s always worked out when I talk to the kitchen staff at my job. But I’m sure food and room up keep are drastically different. Still tho with the Greek and Spanish being similar fact 👀

@FlatBottomGal I have Google translate downloaded on my phone and so do the new housekeepers. It’s how we have been talking but it either translates everything wrong or there just aren’t some words in Spanish that we have in English. The only other good communication app I saw costs money

They hired 4 new housekeepers who only speak Spanish, zero English. And they get mad at me when I don’t understand them 🥲 even tho I don’t get mad when they don’t understand me. I don’t have the time or energy to learn Spanish on top of learning Greek and I feel so bad

Okay but here me out. baba yaga, but with Waffle House.

✨Be someone’s reason for believing in “Mercurys in retrograde”✨

The real Twilight a sequel is when they break up and one becomes a lighthouse keeper and one becomes a lesbian.

If I thumbs up your text I really mean fuck you.

I can’t wait till Miley releases an autobiography. I wanna hear the nitty gritty.

@gabezzzz Crazy to think that if you aren’t on “do not disturb mode” your just in disturb mode. Which actually tracks.

Going do not disturb but like as a person

We are driving to Tennessee from Philly and as the passenger princess I’ve been tasked with DJing. I started strong but then got lazy so I put on one of my wife’s playlists. Every song that comes on she says “oh this is a great song.” Check. Mate.

My birthstone is a coffee bean.

Everything I get elevated I look up adult gymnastic gyms in my area.

@cyphernk Nuggets

Type “nigg” and let you phone complete the sentence Don’t cheat 😂

This is where I tweet from.

Yoooo last night I was training the new hire behind the bar and he started telling the customers about how his seven year relationship ended. It was beautiful. It was such an uno reverse card unlike anything I’ve ever seen. The bartender making the customer the therapist. 🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼

Rationally I know all of this is bcuz @paramore is splitting from their label but irrationally it makes me feel like they are breaking up which makes me wanna K i double hockey stick myself. The anxiety makes my belly hurt.

I think the decline in my mental health is correlated to the lack of crab Rangoon in my life.

Amy Sedaris surely improvised this truly insane phonecall in Elf (that I think about constantly)

I don’t think I’ll ever have “crows feet” because I don’t smile enough. Idk if I feel good about that.

At this point, I would eat the rich WITHOUT SALT.