World Cup Jokes

I write football jokes. Here are some I've come up with over the last year or so. Follow me if you like footy jokes!

I feel Messi's pain. I once tried to smash home a penalty against Iceland but unfortunately it was saved by the automatic doors.

I've changed my account name for a couple of weeks while the world cup is on (in case you're surprised by the new pic and name in your timeline)

Moving from PSG to Arsenal is the sign of a man who's decided to try a higher difficulty setting.

Congratulations to Chelsea for winning the FA Cup this season. And congratulations to Man Utd for winning sweet FA cups this season.

After a 3-2 win at Wembley the Man United fans head out of the stadium happy for their long thirty minute tube journey home.

Lionel Messi earns about £500,000 a week, which after tax is about £500,000 a week.

After being appointed United manager Mourinho now has to decide if he'll buy a house in Manchester or commute from London like the fans.

I hear Man United are so confident of signing Mourinho that they're already searching for his replacement for two and a half seasons' time.

The biggest rivalries in football: Messi vs Ronaldo Liverpool vs Man United Ashley Young vs gravity

@MartinPilgrim1 The good folks at @PlagiarismBad may be able to give you some advice on how to deal with this.

Don't talk to Arsenal fans about the 2011 United result. They 8-2 be reminded about it.

In the last week West Ham have played Astra Giurgiu and Arsenal. They managed to beat the no-hopers, but unfortunately lost to Astra Giurgiu

Di Maria moves to PSG. "I'm glad we won't have to face him again, he was a massive problem for us", said a Yeovil Town fan.

It's good to see Man City trying to give away their champions league place to someone who'll make better use of it.

Topical comedy podcast containing a sketch I wrote (about Jeremy Clarkson rather than football) if you're interested: bbc.co.uk/podcasts/serie…

Watching Man City trying to progress in Europe is like watching a shark try to ride a bicycle.

What a weekend of cup upsets. I haven't seen the smaller team beat the bigger team that many times since the Man Utd 13/14 season review DVD

What's the difference between Chelsea and the M62? The M62 goes past Bradford.

For years Luke Shaw dreamed about Southampton winning at Old Trafford and today he finally got to see it happen.

Imagine being a United fan after this transfer window. Rooney passes to Bale, Bale to Messi, he shoots... and then your alarm clock goes off