Tim Warren (is a one man protest against mornings)

A SHORT PLAY FOR TWO ACTORS (ONE SHAVEN, ONE NOT) ACT 1. INT. PUB - AFTERNOON MAN sits down at bar, begins to stroke beard mysteriously. ACT 2. INT. PUB - NIGHT OTHER MAN (Having finally plucked up courage): Oi, do you mind? That's my beard. THE END #SFFiction

To the relief of pensioners everywhere, rumours of an impending Werther's Originals shortage have been definitively butterscotched today. "Mmph… schmmph… justaminute…," said a spokesman for the beloved brand, before finally finishing his sweet & blaming "the internet". #vss365

Umber: a spectrum of shades of brown (plus two anomalous shades: green and black, used respectively for cucumbers and umberellas) #vss365 #umber

If only we wore pendulums instead of ties, we would always know what time it is.

Even the word 'political' has its own manifest o. #vss365 #manifest

'Synaesthesia', explained the perfume taster, replacing the spitoon. 'Now if you'd be so kind as to pass me that beaker?' 'This one? But… it doesn't smell of anything?' 'Yes, exactly. A little sip of Neutradol between samples, it does wonders to clear the palate.' #vss365 #taste

celebration (noun) diet endorsed by a celebrity e.g. 'Just a small kale salad for me, please — and hold the dressing. It's a #celebration.' #vss365

Anticipation is the future's wrapping paper. #vss365 #anticipation

excuse (noun) an apology's chrysalis e.g. 'Eventually, in the final stages before hatching, the #excuse turns fully transparent.' #vss365

–I'm as surprised as you are, she shrugged. Twenty years of all your lamentations, and I'd have sworn blind you were tone deaf. 2/2

I woke up bereft (but in the key of B#). Not an auspicious start to the day. –What's eating you? asked my wife. –I woke up #bereft, I said. In the key of B# –There is no B#, she said flatly. If you're anything, you're C-reft –C-reft, I said. I'm not sure I'm capable… 1/2 #vss365

TIPS FOR A BROKEN KEYBOARD · If for whatever reason u are unable to write 'night', simply write the word 'evening' instead & change the typeface to bold · In the event of broken CAPS LOCK & SHIFT, write solely in whispers, of little to no importance, addressed to no-one #vss365

Hyphen: #solder for words * "When soldered together, on the other hand, a pair of cans is often referred to as Siamese tins*…" *Disambiguation. See also: conjoined toucans (colloquial names) * Eyesight failing, the old electrician, nonetheless, soldered on… #vss365

At the back of every mirror shop is a small well-lit room with hooks on the walls, where you can hang up any mirrors you're thinking about buying and try on the reflections.

The National Museum of Taxidermy—closed in unfortunate circumstances, late last December—will finally reopen, following extensive renovations and repairs, as Britain's first and only #wolpertinger museum, early next spring. #vss365

· The scientific name for an #ocelot kitten is an 'ocelittle' · The world population of ocelots is ~800,000 — if you enter the ocelottery today, you have about a 1 in 800,000 chance of winning · With a top speed of 61 kph, the fastest species of ocelot is the velocelot #vss365

I met my #doppelganger once. Or vice versa, perhaps… Anyway, the whole thing was a little awkward, to be honest. Secretly, I think, we'd both been hoping, that if we had one, he'd be just a bit better looking. #vss365

@michael22300807 My melted sundial agrees :)

@FredTweetzsche “90 seconds” said twice as long as it’s half!

'How long is a #moment?' asked the piece of string. #vss365

@writedowndrain It feels about right :) But then if you bring in perspective... and relativity & time dilation... it all gets, um, pretty piece-of-stringy.

@FredTweetzsche I think it's 3 seconds....

@_LimaZulu Glad you enjoyed it 🙂🪢

@FredTweetzsche Excellent. 😄

@Fizzytwizler Thanks, that one took a bit of compressing! :)

@FredTweetzsche 😯💜

It turned out the #dust cloud was on loan from a museum of ambient art. As it blew thru town, Art lodged in every crevice. A plague of critics soon followed in its wake &shows no sign of abating. The local dust floats listless,unsettled, newly anxious of praxis & cliché… #vss365