GCS

What ARE men's nipples for? Do ducks dream of space exploration? Can sausages hate?

There's something inherently sad about a man sitting alone, writing a corporate social media account, crying.

Sending your Championship Manager CV to football clubs is one thing. Sending your best Lego castle to an architect's office is another.

We've got Bono doing work experience in the office today. He refuses to take off his sunglasses. He keeps bumping into the photocopiers.

Many Americans wrongly believe that the whole Wimbledon tournament is merely a viral teaser for a new season of Downton Abbey.

Put your life boat into dry dock. Scrape off the barnacles of reservation and reseal your career hull with the tar of transferable skills.

As a teenager I went to Glastonbury. I had a great time but learnt very few transferable skills.

I'm trying to explain cricket to Joe, our fictional American intern. "It's like a cross between baseball and the final season of Lost."

Plant your flag on the crest of Hope Mountain and realise your dreams know no horizon. Alternatively, scan the mail as ordered by your boss.

Mothers.

Release your life hounds and hunt down the fox of advancement. Watch from your success stallion as your pack rips opportunity to shreds.

Debate your life bill in the parliament of progress. Avoid the filibuster of frustration and yield the floor to the speaker of success.

In this hot weather, remember to carry your butter in a tupperware box rather than putting it directly into your pockets.

It's too hot to be wearing the compulsory GCS Recruitment Twitter account uniform (An old Mr Wimpy costume with the smile painted over)

I never met my father. Knowing he was a top chef just rubs rock salt, fresh rosemary and a pinch of ground cumin into the wound.

Saturday! The summer sun beats down remorselessly, like a drunken yob prodding you in the chest, shouting "Why aren't you at a barbecue?"

In the duck pond of career, you are a determination drake. Preen the downy feathers of fortitude with your persistence beak.

Every time a social media professional uses the word “synergy”, a pixie loses access to her LinkedIn profile. #Socialdayuk

Craft beer! Triple cooked chips! Wild boar cheeks served on a wooden slab! Whatever happened to the post offices of my youth?

I'm still in the office. The owls have turned against me, blocking all the exits and hooting about "loyalty". I hate owls.

Reward your diligence with a family sized bucket of brilliance nuggets. Ingest the reclaimed meat of motivation and vomit accomplishment.