George A. Meyer

This #joke is #Sponsored by #Gingerale: "Gingerale! When you're sick and you're like, "I should probably have soda"

Trying to decide between joining a Kickball League or joining an ironic Kickball league

I miss being 18, back when I was super fit, incredibly popular and a huge liar

Who's your favorite Backstreet Boy? Mine's Abe

Every time I hear about how much people are making off bitcoin I think to myself goddamn I wish I owned a computer

AGAIN! I BOUGHT ANOTHER SLICE, NOW, DO IT AGAIN! For the 7th time, they belt out happy birthday. I sit back and let the song wash over me. By tomorrow, I'll no longer be allowed back to this Olive Garden.

Mom: why do you never call us? Me: because none of my friends ever call their parents. Mom: If all of your friends jumped off a bridge, would you? Me: YES, MOM! THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON I JOINED A CULT!

I do love my son but I dont like him. Well I guess I dont actually love him and come to think of it hes not even my son at all! The therapist is in awe of the progress Ive made. I walk out. One day Ill come back apologize to her patient for barging in but not today. No not today

When your partner asks if you still find them attractive, you should immediately respond, "Yes." Do not take ANY time to think about it even if it's just a few days.

BLOOD! SWEAT! TEARS! PANIC ATTACK! HOSPITAL!

"Eat shit and die!" is a mean thing to yell at a person but a cool thing to say to a fly

This most unfathomable divergence in my everyday argot can be traced back a hebdomad when I voyaged to the book depository and procured a word-a-day calendar.

Pro Tip: Once you've paid your admission to the zoo, you are allowed to yell, "Wake up!" at any animal you want. Sleep on your own time small pony!

Step 1: Come up with company name Step 2: Print it on a t-shirt Step 3: Wear blazer over t-shirt Step 4: Entrepreneur!

"Hey Ma, wanna try this?!" I shout back at no one as I grab two free Costco samples

I like to go to the park, watch the birds and jot down the one's I've eaten

"The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast."

Movie Idea Homophone II: The Night Knight

Does anyone have any recommendations for essential classic films that I should pretend to have seen?

Everything else aside, I think we can all agree that "The Panama Papers" is a great band name

American Airlines: Why would we even consider hiring you? You have no experience as a pilot. Me: Oh, I think I could...wing it AA: Wow! *slow clapping starts*