Andrea Schmidt

Have you ever cackled like a witch in your own home? While eating a snickers, cozy on a pink bean bag chair, playing your favorite video game?

He belonged 2 doors down.

My sister is coming over. I text, “I’m jumping in the shower, let yourself in”. Doorbell rings as I’m getting out, I’m mad, she didn’t follow instructions, I scream “IM COMING” and rip the door open, in just my towel. There is now a Stanley Steamer guy with a story to tell. ☠️

The only way I can describe ovulating, is that I feel OVERWHELMINGLY…..carnivorous.

@shanhansen 💯💯💯

Or used Maybelline Lifter Plump with zero spice tolerance.

You have tasted fear until you’ve taken contacts out with stiletto nails.

I don’t want to be productive. I want to be abducted.

Is it me or is being good at foosball the sluttiest thing a man can be?

Nothing makes you question your sanity like waking up at 4am to a beeping fire alarm and an upside down earwig having a stand off on your ceiling.

Later, while watching Cinderella 2: Cinderella: I’m wearing a disguise so I won’t be recognized at the market @shanhansen : Um, your face is showing

Cinderella Triology night w/ @GigglesNSchmidt Prince hasn’t said a word. She says, “That’s how I like my men. Tall, dark and silent.”

I've been feeling very under-nourished in my male friendships recently I think there is something just kind of wrong with the default mode of male socialization/communication, something men aren't taught about relating to people for instance --

There’s nothing like feeling safe being your most ridiculous self with another human 💖

@JaseRuggy I can’t look pastor melons.

Guys I need you to see… A) this hat And B) the AI images they’re using to sell it

@JaseRuggy Nah. Just had a glass of wine 🤷🏼‍♀️

@GigglesNSchmidt Andrea are you lying about your age on the internet again

Sure, you’ve had peanut butter and raisins on celery…. But what about peanut butter and prunes!? 😏 Did I mention I’m 34? …and single?

LOVED working in this one!!! 🤩😍🥰

@JaseRuggy My vote is game shows with guns. (Price is Right, Jeopardy… etc.)

Palworld basically being “Pokémon with Guns” makes me wonder what other classic concepts need guns. Pac-Man with guns, Tetris with guns, Batman with guns, Doctor Who with guns, Oprah with guns, guns with guns, gunology, the study of guns

@johnebosworth 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@GigglesNSchmidt Whenever I walk into the bathroom, I scream "everyone shit as hard as you can RIGHT NOW! Push! Harder!" This way, nobody hears ME poop because everyone else is so loud

If I walk in the bathroom and you’re sitting silently in a stall…please, don’t rush that poop, don’t quickly grab toilet paper, there’s no need to flush… take your moment… you don’t have to prove anything to me girl.

Me realizing “Californication” isn’t “acclimation to the California way of life” but something far more nefarious…