GG

This isn’t happening.

love is the rule: nothing survives alone

I’m at my most suspicious when things are going well

posting shit like “the Easter bunny is trans” on Facebook and when my dad’s friends try and argue with me I just reply “look it up dumbass”

I posted “i am the first man in my bloodline to jack off in an Arby’s” on facebook and my uncle replied “not true.”

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

@purseburrito @UncleBob56 It’s free, too

Hope is a helluva drug.

The problem is that when I stay inside for too long I feel like I should go out and when I go out I remember why I like to stay inside

Awful time to be alive but truly an amazing time to be a hater

I missed all the “whose pussy is this” tweets. Is it my turn?

I don’t even know how to get my voicemail if I wanted to.

The next hundred tweets will be about fractals. Enjoy.

Slowly learning to just stop asking questions.

Do you have sugar free Red Bull? (don’t be that guy)

(Jack voice) Wait until they get a load of me. *enters Applebees*

I’m convinced Van Gogh was just shaving his ears.

“Tell me about yourself.” No.

How did we decide cleavage meant that?

What is that loop for on the heel of your sneakers, other than causing your pants leg to ride up?

Women want to be wooed. Ric Flair: WOO