Fomo Simpson

To my beloved wife, I leave my circus and my monkeys.

(Family hoping I will stick to my new years resolution to stop doing wacky stuff) Me: (on Jan 2) Ok, so the prison bus rental guy will be here any minute with my prison bus...

Who creatures not up stirring not even they mouse

🎶 Faithful friends who are dear to us / Who share beer with us once more 🎵

Happy Hollandaise > Happy Holidays

Eggnog? I think eggnot. Jk. Pass me that festive shit.

The name is Grinch...James Grinch.

Hostage Negotiator: What do we have, cap? Police Captain: It's another figgy pudding situation. Hostage Negotiator: Again?!

I forgot the name for wood stove so instead I called it indoor camp fire.

Wu-Tang Christmas tree                   👐                   WU                   RZA                 METH               SHIMMY              C.R.E.A.M. 36 CHAMBERS      PROTECT YA NECK     FOR THE CHILDREN DIVERSIFY YO BONDS ODB

(\_/) (\_/) ( •_•) (•_• ) />🎁 🧸<\ Merry Christmas.

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

Now, come, come, Mr. Grinch. You get as much fulfillment out of killing as I do.

👏FIX👏ALL👏THE👏BROKEN👏SELF-CHECKOUTS👏

Pie Hard is a Christmas smoothie.

Mood: casting director reviewing headshots for Headless Horseman role

Many idle hands make light devil's advocate.

Me: Finally some quiet time. Just me and my thoughts. Devil on my shoulder: I'll tell you who could go for some thots.

Being dead is the ultimate form of ghosting.

(•_•)   They did the Monster Mash <)   )> /    \ \(•_•)  The Monster Mash (   (> /    \ (•_•)/  It was a graveyard smash <)   ) /    \ (•_•)  They did the Mash <(   (>   /    \ (•_•) √( (> It caught on in a flash / \

I’m curious what my kids think all the trash cans in the house are for.