Henry Hammond

Just posted a photo @ Newry, Maine instagram.com/p/BuEjaz-ANFR/…

Just registered “playing my theremin” at the National Euphemism Database. Still figuring out what it should mean.

Yo' momma's so fat it's caused a series of ailments that she can't afford to treat because Republicans prefer to give CEOs raises and build stupid-ass walls instead of providing affordable health care for ordinary Americans.

I am hereby calling for more transparency in the cellophane industry

@leiran Yes--good punch-up! Hope you're well, Leiran

I found the Elevator Museum inspiring on so many levels.

My optimism: where others see a severed hand, I see a generous person who probably donated the rest of their body to science

Super illustration! twitter.com/LarsLeetaru/st…

Like an avocado, without a pit in my stomach I will rot

Breaking news: my brain has just announced that the countries of TanZANia and TanzaNIa will be merging

Just posted a photo @ Lynn, Massachusetts instagram.com/p/BZOdgi4DVGG/

I order hot water at Starbucks, I get weird stares. Pull out a tea bag from home, suddenly men want to be me, women want to be with me

Slurri: Siri after four martinis

Poohber: Uber for stuffed animals

I ended a 3 month twitter drought for that last joke

Breaking news: Dunkin Donuts changing name to "Hole Foods"

I will be nominating the voicemail my wife just left for a 2017 Voicy™

Me to my iPhone, when it connects me to a weak wifi hotspot but a stronger one is available: "Guess again, asshole"

Just invented MUUBER. It's UBER for cows.