Shit My Friends Say

Tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the left and then to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered food.

Dear Mr. Undercover Police Car, I like your 5 extra antennas.

My girlfriend called me and told me that we are just not working out. So, I did what any man would do and bought us a gym membership.

Dear winter, I'm breaking up with you. It's not me, it's you. You make me miserable. I think its time we start seeing other seasons.

Stress: The confusion created when the mind must override the desire to choke the living shit out of some idiot who desperately deserves it.

I think I'm going to take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

Note to self: The smoke alarm should not be used as a food timer while cooking dinner.

Do I turn left, when nothing is right? Or do I turn right, when there's nothing left?

To people who order salads at McDonald's: Let's be honest. That's like going to a strip club for a hug.

The weather outside is frightful. Hot sex sounds so delightful and when there's no one else you know... Text a ho! Text a ho! Text a ho.

I was about to beat up a toddler until i saw everyone's cartoon Facebook pics and i got an overwhelming urge to stop.

dumberist | The dumberist thing you've ever heard shar.es/XbGDS

‎"North Korea attacks South Korea" Bad News: World War III in the making.. Good News: New Call Of Duty in the making.

If the pilgrims killed a cat instead of a turkey, we'd all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Facebook is like jail. You sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't even know.

Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to "Thank god its Friday".

How do I feel about gun control? Break into my house and find out.

If you don't have "ME" in your life, everything is just "AWESO".

The guy in front of me at the store was buying a pregnancy test. I bet that was the one time in his life he wishes she sent him for tampons.