HistoryInHindsightPodcast

New episode with @yannispappas -- In 1897 students were dying playing college football, so they thought it might be too dangerous. Check out this new episode! #history #comedy #nfl itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/his…

Condolences to the family but I cannot wait for this documentary

@JohnMayer or Mitch Hedberg???

Reading the news about a horrific crime: “This documentary is going to be incredible”.

People ironically wearing NASA gear needs to stop. We get it, you’re a moron.

I look @TheSimpsons episodes on TV like wine snobs look at wine. "1993...ooh that's a good year".

More than corporations we should not bail out anyone who has EVER posted a picture of themselves posing in front of their car.

For the holidays it’s nice to FaceTime with your grandparents and then start screaming GRANDMA I’M TRAPPED IN THE PHONE!!! HELP!!

The volume you talk on the phone in public = how much money you make. There is no debate.

Today in the steam room I witnessed two elderly men get in a verbal altercation BUCK ASS NAKED, and now I know that nobody is having a better day than me

Thread: People forget. when you’re attending a wedding, it’s not about YOU. its about the photographer feeling important and why does he keep walking so close to me it seems like he’s in a hurry nice leather camera holster is he friend of the family can I push him into the ocean?

@marty_mush Why is it only men get named after their father. no Maureen Jr.’s out there

@realDonaldTrump When you tell your friend you’re on the way but you really just got out of the shower

Millennials: I want to wear sweatpants 7 days a week Society: that’s not acceptable Millennials: what if they cost $90? Society: you’ve got yourself a deal

Statistically, millennials will have more power than baby boomers within the next 8 years, or sooner if we simply stop showing them how to use the internet.

Reading a lot is impressive. But reading a lot and not telling anyone about it? Now that’s damn near impossible.

Elon Musk is the new Mark Wahlberg. “I would’ve saved those kids in the cave if I uh wasn’t so far away”

All Russian dudes haircuts look like it’s 5th grade, the first day of school they just got on the bus in the morning and they wear velcro shoes

If I ever hit a home run in the MLB I’m gonna have severe anxiety from all the high fives afterwards that I won’t squarely connect on

For years I thought I’m “not a morning person”, haha actually turns out I’m just lazy

Ayyyy thanks @TheImpropBos and the voters for making me “Best Comedian 2018” what an HONOR! #Touched #NotInThatWay