Christopher Buehlman

The Odyssey As Told in a Series of Texts - bit.ly/2mBJLw7

(July 5, 1776) @JohnHancock drnk SO much grog last night. Did we *send* this thing to @Georgeiiiking? Did I sign it? Ffucke.

@pattonoswalt "No, man, I said 'fly the planes really CLOSE to the carrier, you know, to freak it out. Then shit got weird." -Stoned Tojo

@ErnstHemingway: Lots of pussy in France, especially w/ @FScottFitz here. Burned off wart with cigar, shot a trout, may have crabs. Allez-y!

(Eden)& Adam w/his itchy eyes saw the CAT & snzd & sd Get thee gone, but Eve sd If he goes I go & Lo the cat did not go. #cat #pussywhipped

(Thermopylae, Greece) (480 BC) @XerxesofPersia I see Sparta is eating well. Damn! They R so fat! 10 of them plug the whole road. ROFLMAO

(Tanzania, Africa) (Aug 3, 1858) @jhspeke @QVictoria Naming Lake 4U. @SirRichardBurton in Zzbar peeing on Union Jack. Thot U shld know #Nile

(North Atlantic) (April 14, 1912) @Titaniccapt I thnk @bigfngicebrg wnts 2 party! Has no idea how Britishly, bullishly drunk I am. Moooooo!

@JohnCleese Batty? Yes, Mr.Cleese, but occasionally drôle. Follow @Historyoftweet for long-lost tweets from cluster-fuck that is history.

(Rouen, France) (May 30, 1431) @JoanofArc AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH...(cough)...Merde, j'brûle!....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

(Deptford, England) (May 30, 1593) @Chr.Marlowe Fck me if I'm paying this bill. @Frizer ate all the fcking gherkins. #cheap

(Gettysburg, PA) (3 July 1863) @cmtryridge LOL I think @Pickett is coming up this long-ass hill. Srsly?