Leslie

At the Mary Moore Searight Metropolitan Park, with @donaldglover!

Fuck you sign. What's your Netflix profile pic?

God twerks in mysterious ways.

Me meeting my Mexican bf's familia: Him: "You smell so good." Me: "Yeah, I used a lemon bath bomb. I'm saving the lime one for date night." Him: "Aye, way." #Tajin

Forget these Drip IV recovery places or detoxing. Why can't I just get a quick round of Dialysis? #NewAmsterdam

I called my HS bestie in Austin today, and her Marble Falls mother said she had a dream she was holding me while I was crying. So should I go have something scanned or "read?" #LakeTravis

I'm a dick, Ted.

I drink whatever gets me from A to BAC.

After you finish telling me about your kids, why don't you tell me about the dream you had last month. #LDS #SLC #Utah

Why haven't the Evangelicals thought of going on "Rescue Missions" by knocking on mormon doors? #LDS #SLC #Utah

If women aren't supposed to be Cat Ladies, then why do we have cat toys around our wrists and in our hair? #CatLady

If you rearrange SLC, UT is spells CULTS.

I bet the "What kind of underwear are you wearing" pickup line originated here. #Cult #Utah #SaltLakeCity #MagicUnderwear

*sharing a blanket* Here, take as much as you need, without compromising my 50%. #Relationships

Why do hospitals have air conditioning? To keep the vegetables fresh. #PleaseClap

Why does he have to be "Mr. Right?" Why can't he be "Dr. Right?"

I just learned that the Presbyterians are the "singing Christians," and that tickled me right in my Bible belt. #ChoirChild

I want hair so beautiful I can cry in public anywhere. #Subway #NYC

I liked this song until I listened to the lyrics. #PleasantlyDisappointed youtu.be/J6E7zIeP09M

My new favorite surgeon talking to his patient before induction: "What dream destination are you headed to? You have to be specific, because if you just say, 'Island,' anesthesia will send you to Staten Island." #MEETH #ScrubLife #LennoxHill

When she's a 10, but sneezes like your dad.