Matthew James Hunt

A scorching hot official review of I Am Not Gog goo.gl/Q1VC5i

Coupons first originated in Africa in the mid-1960s, where participants in successful coups d'état were issued with supermarket tokens for 50% off baked beans and suchlike in gratitude for their commitment to the cause. #coupons #coupdetat

To celebrate #BurnsNight2021 I'm having a massive prawn cocktail salad for dinner. I bet he loved prawn cocktail much more than haggis. I mean, who wouldn't? Scots gaelic for prawn cocktail is: "carran-creige, duilleagan, agus sauce pinc.'

@cmtwrites It will all be OK. AS LONG AS YOU FRY THE VEGETABLES SEPERATELY. WHATEVER HAPPENS, DON'T LET THE VEGETABLES COOK TOGETHER! Otherwise, have a lovely meal

Other men buy fast cars; others, hard drugs; others still, season tickets to kickballs. I just bought a £100 toaster. Problems?

I actually just made a hash of making corned beef hash. How useless can you be?

What would happen if all promotional material stopped asking questions?

Here's the truth watching Cast Away as a postman. I would have ripped open all the parcels on day one. BUT, I would have repacked and stored useless items respectfully, unlike Hanks.

Genuinely just googled 'what will elevate me?' and I'm very disappointed NONE of the results involved a simple ladder.

@samatlounge Merry Christmas and a very Sam New Year

This is actual footage of me trying to get a gherkin out of a jar with a knife this morning youtu.be/avjdKTqiVvQ

@cmtwrites Lol, you're welcome

If you search Amazon for "crappy jewellery", this comes up in the list. The brand is 'Pission' and it costs 99p with free postage. amazon.co.uk/dp/B00JO7Q536/…

It is very difficult, once you have adopted the King James Bible's use of the word 'straightway' (for 'straightaway') in everyday speech, to stop. You certainly can't stop it straightway.

@cmtwrites Lightweight

I've just been offered someone's 'perfumed refreshing spray' because it doesn't agree with them. I declined.

Bumped into a posh priest I know earlier this evening. Chatting about what's going on and I accidentally said 'fucking'. To a posh fucking priest. Fuck.

@RobDenBleyker Thirst

why would anyone tweet

Every single company that tries to get on the covid bandwagon goes straight to the bottom of the choice pile #ads

I'm getting a tattoo of a face mask on my face so I don't have to wear a real one.