Ian Power

I, for one, am a great fan of Roman numeral puns.

I’ve never been much of a fan of Joe Pasquale, but he speaks quite highly about me.

I see General Bone-Spurs has called other NATO countries cowards. It’s a shame there isn’t a Nobel Prize for irony - the tangerine turd would be a shoo-in for that fucker!

If there is a stairway to heaven, I bet it's not as long and tortuous as that fucking song.

Botox makes actors forget their lines.

Has anyone else noticed that many people who work in IT get disproportionately annoyed when those of us who don’t work in IT don’t share the same knowledge and expertise that they get paid for?

“Hi Geordie, my sister got hurt by a marsupial in a Malaysian city zoo.” "Kuala Lumpur?" “No, kicked by a kangaroo.”

When you decide ‘growing old gracefully’ isn’t for you.

I just farted and told my wife it was the dog. Then I remembered I don't have a dog. Or a wife... I'm so lonely.

Hipster colleague’s left his retro gym bag at work while he’s at a meeting. The last time he did that someone drew a retro cock and balls on it. I hope it doesn’t happen again.

If I had a pet baby kangaroo I'd call it Tribbiani.* *If you don't get this we can never be friends.

Hands up if you enjoy stretching!

I've just ordered some books about OCD.

Me, aged 20: “Oh fuck, the plans for Saturday night have fallen through.” Me, aged 60: “Thank fuck the plans for Saturday night have fallen through.”

I once took a Lidl bag for life into Waitrose. I think they would've been less horrified if I'd got my cock out.

I found out the owner’s name of Toyah Willcox's local Chinese takeaway. It's a Mr Wee.

My ex-wife often gave me ‘the silent treatment’. I liked those bits best.

I just phoned the Thesaurus Helpline hoping to find an ideal synonym for connected. It was engaged.

If I had a boomerang I’d name it Mack.* *give yourself one mark if you get this

“How much for the organic dildo?” "That's a cucumber, sir!" “... How much?”