Ian Power

I, for one, am a great fan of Roman numeral puns.

I'm - you were being posh and sophisticated if you had a prawn cocktail starter with dinner - years old.

Sorry I crossed myself when you showed me a photo of your new baby.

Lewis Hamilton, there. Channeling the ghosts of Prince and 1970’s television reception.

I’m a terrible Priest. 😔

A Christian friend once asked me, "How can you love Twitter so much? It's not real, you know.” 😏

I once worked in a kitchen that was a proper madhouse. They only allowed the head chef proper ventilation. One flue over the cook who's best.

Does your significant other give you an affectionate nickname or nicknames? Mine appears to be “divvy old cunt” at the moment.

You can't buy happiness. But you can buy beer and that's more or less the same thing.

I try not to hold a grudge, but 52% of you are still not welcome in my house. Sorry*. *not fucking sorry

Top tip: when you’re in London, ensure you have plenty of personal space by simply being friendly to the people around you.

Which idiot called it a Prince Albert and not a Piers M’organ.

I’m - whenever someone says Zoom I immediately think ‘just one look and my heart went boom’ - years old.

I once got kicked out of a Depeche Mode after show party for eating Dave Gahan's Brie and Stilton. Apparently they were his personal cheeses.

I know far too many people who like to “make a long story short”, but fail every fucking time.

At the age of 60 I'm beginning to doubt I'll ever need to create an algebraic formula that my maths teacher considered so vital.

If The Incredible Hulk was an Englishman he'd still get angry, but then tut a lot and write a strongly-worded letter of complaint.

Although Gloria was never as pretty or talented as her famous sister, Hillary Swank, she was always far more popular with the boys.

I don't think I'll fight for my right to party today. I'm a bit tired, to be honest.

[job interview] "What would you say is…" "Anticipation.” "Wow! That's…" "Impressive, I know. And yes, I'll accept the position. Thanks.”

I recently drove down a road with three private schools in it. A parent had parked on the no parking zigzags. Other parents were looking at her Range Rover in a horrified way. I’d like to think it was because of the parking but suspect it was because the car was five years old.