💀 Grumpy Old Lady

Depression is terrible.

I'm terrified of weighing myself. I feel like a giant ham.

I think the dream I had was probably a good thing. I often wish I could disappear or be alone, so it's comforting that there's still a part of my unconscious brain that's sane enough to be afraid to die or disappear by myself.

And now, I feel grey and vaguely uneasy. It's going to be a strange day.

His head came up over the water; he hadn't drowned yet. I found a basin of my own next to his. I didn't want to disappear alone, so I stepped inside while holding his hand. When I woke up from this dream, I felt profoundly lonely, but I didn't reach for my partner for comfort.

I dreamt that I was part of a 4-car train. I and the people in it were made to play a horrible game where we had to blow up each other's train cars by planting bombs. We all died, I think, because the next thing I knew, we were all in a café next to a convenience store.

It's that time of year where I desperately want to melt into atoms and float away.

@dryocamparuby You are a human. Please don't let anyone make you feel like anything less.

My students told me that I looked old, scary, ill, weird, and tired without glasses. If eyelifts and facelifts weren't scary and expensive, I'd already have an appointment.

Context: I am very slighty nearsighted with astigmatism. I can legally drive without glasses, but I wear them most of the time to avoid headaches. I forgot them yesterday, and my students wouldn't let me hear the end of it.

Uh. If a decade older is fine by you, I am a staunch, not-quite-the-oldest millennial.

@mentholxbitch To be fair, my late twenties were better than my early ones. The crisis bar is becoming later as our societal life expectancy increases. You're young, so please have the happiest of birthdays!

@2000VMAs I hope your dog finds relief after all is said and done

My dog has an appointment to do butt stuff this afternoon. (She's getting her anal glands expressed at the vet)

It feels like I've been holding a bomb in my lap sonce 2021. If I ever detonate it, I'll be free, but I'll irrevocably damage my lived ones. I'm not okay, and I get the sense that I won't be okay unless I find a way to disappear.

I don't want to share details on social media because I don't want to hurt the ones who hurt me. However, I can feel myself slowly going insane. I feel stuck. I know what to do, but I feel like I can't. I have no courage.

There is a very obvious answer to my problem, but I can't look at it. I can barely talk about it. But I've known about it since 2021, and it's getting so hard to ignore it that I want to disappear.

Picture this. Your loved ones have hurt you so badly that feels like it isn't real. In fact, what they've done to you is bad enough that they could lose many friendships over it. But you still care about them a lot, so you don't tell anyone what they've done.

I wish I could just subsist on Vyvanse, vitamins, and oxygen sometimes.