Derek Devicemanager

Just saw three separate posts from coworkers about their Valentine's Day plans. Fancy dinners. Flowers. Romantic getaways. I'm eating leftover pizza and playing Elden Ring. My mom texted asking if I'm doing anything special today. I said yeah, got plans. The plans are the pizza and Elden Ring. But I can't tell her that without getting a 20-minute lecture about putting myself out there. Here's the thing: I want to be doing something today. I'm not some guy who's happy being alone forever. I just don't know how to get from "eating pizza alone on a Saturday" to "having Valentine's Day plans" without making it weird. Dating apps don't work. I match with people, can't think of what to say, conversation dies. Meeting people in person doesn't work. Where do you even meet people? The office? That's a nightmare waiting to happen. My coworker invited me to a party last month. I went. Stood in the corner for 90 minutes. Left. So yeah, I'm playing Elden Ring today. Not because I want to. Because it's easier than figuring out the alternative. My mom thinks I need to "put myself out there more." I don't know what that means. Go to bars alone? Join clubs for hobbies I don't have? I'm good at fixing computers. I'm terrible at everything else. Maybe next Valentine's Day will be different. Probably not though. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone who figured this out better than I did.

Deel IT: Endpoint Protection – Secure all employee devices from malware and cyber threats automatically. → memelord.link/AfQx0ji

Just discovered someone's been charging their electric scooter at their desk for six months. I only know this because they submitted a ticket saying their computer keeps shutting off randomly. Went to their desk. Their power strip is running their computer, two monitors, a phone charger, a desk lamp, a small fan, a coffee warmer, and a full-size electric scooter. The scooter charger alone pulls more power than everything else combined. I explained that power strips have limits and they're massively exceeding it. They asked if I could just get them a bigger power strip.I said no, you can't charge a vehicle at your desk. They said it's not a vehicle, it's a scooter. I said it has a motor and a battery. That's a vehicle. They said segways are allowed in the office. Nobody has a segway in this office. I have no idea what they're talking about. I unplugged the scooter and told them to charge it at home. They looked upset but didn't argue. Two hours later someone from HR emailed asking about our "alternative transportation charging policy." Am I in trouble?

Someone just asked me to help them print something "real quick."= I walked over to their desk. They wanted to print a 340-page document. I asked why they need to print 340 pages. They said it's easier to read on paper. I asked if they've considered that 340 pages is an entire tree. They said they recycle. The printer started. I left. Twenty minutes later they submitted a ticket: printer is jammed. Of course it's jammed. They tried to print 340 pages on a printer that's designed for occasional use, not book manufacturing. I went back. Cleared the jam. Cancelled the print job. Told them to print in smaller batches if they absolutely must kill an entire forest. They asked if they should restart the print job now. I said no, give the printer a break. They submitted another ticket an hour later. Printer jammed again. They restarted the print job the second I left. Some people cannot be helped.

Eating lunch in my car and I just watched my coworker walk past carrying his laptop bag at full speed. He looked stressed. Like something urgent was happening. I briefly considered texting him to see if there's an outage I should know about. Then I remembered: not my problem until I clock back in. Whatever emergency he's dealing with will still be an emergency in 30 minutes. Or it won't be an emergency at all and he's just bad at managing his stress. Either way, I'm finishing my sandwich first. People who stress-walk through the parking lot during lunch are the same people who think every ticket is urgent. I've learned to ignore the energy. Focus on the actual facts. Facts say: I'm on lunch break. Nothing is on fire. My sandwich is good. Everything else can wait.

Leaving work early today. My manager asked where I'm going. I said "Got a thing." He didn't ask what thing. Because "a thing" is universally understood as "none of your business but it's important enough that I'm leaving." The thing is my couch. But he doesn't need to know that. I've trained him over months that Friday afternoons I'm unreliable. Now when I leave early, he just accepts it. This is the key: be consistent enough that people stop questioning it.

Deel ITL Mobile Device Management – Centrally manage all laptops, tablets, and phones across your workforce. → memelord.link/BC2YvMT

My roommate just asked if I can fix his PS5. I said what's wrong with it. He said it keeps crashing. I asked what he means by crashing. He said it turns off randomly. I asked if it's overheating. He said "How would I know if it's overheating?" I told him to check if the vents are blocked. He moved some stuff. Found out the PS5 was shoved against the wall with zero airflow. Moved it six inches forward. Problem solved. He said "You're a genius." I told him to make sure his console can breathe. He thanked me like I'd just rebuilt the motherboard. I moved a box. This is my life. Professional box-mover.

My coworker just asked me how I stay so calm when users are being difficult. I told him I just try to be patient and remember they're not tech people. That's not true. The real answer is I've achieved complete emotional detachment from my job. When someone yells at me because their password doesn't work, I don't take it personally because I genuinely don't care. I'm not here to be anyone's emotional punching bag, but I'm also not invested enough to let it bother me. I do my job. I fix the thing. I close the ticket. I go home. Someone once told me their computer issue "ruined their entire week." I said "I understand, let me help you with that." What I was thinking: "I will forget this conversation in 45 seconds." I make $54,000 a year. That's exactly how much emotional energy I have for work drama.

My friend texted asking if I can build him a PC. I said no. He said why not, you know how to do it. I said because when I build you a PC, I become your permanent tech support. He said he wouldn't do that. He absolutely would do that. I've built PCs for three friends. All three of them still text me when anything goes wrong. "Hey man my PC is running slow" - That's not my problem "Can you help me upgrade the RAM?" - Google it "I think I have a virus" - You probably don't, you just have 47 Chrome tabs open I learned my lesson. I'm not doing free tech work for friends anymore. I sent him a link to a pre-built gaming PC and said this is a better deal, so he bought it. It was not a better deal. Building is always cheaper. But when it breaks, he'll call Amazon support, not me.

Just ate lunch at my desk while watching YouTube. My coworker walked by and said "You should take a real break, man. Get away from your desk." I said I'm too busy. I'm not busy. I have three tickets in my queue and they're all easy. But if people think I'm too busy to take lunch breaks, they think I'm working hard. If they see me taking hour-long lunches, they think I'm slacking. So I eat at my desk while watching videos about sneakers and obscure Supreme drops. Look stressed. Act busy. Do the minimum. This is the formula.

Just realized I've been putting the same ticket on hold for two months. It's a weird networking issue that requires coordination with our ISP. I opened a ticket with the ISP in November. They responded in December. I haven't responded to them yet. The user hasn't followed up once. So I'm just going to keep the ticket open until either the user asks about it or the problem magically resolves itself. If they actually needed it fixed urgently, they'd be emailing me every day. Since they're not, it must not be that important. I'll deal with it eventually. Maybe next month. Maybe never. Ticket management is about prioritizing the things people actually care about.

Deel ITL Mobile Device Management – Centrally manage all laptops, tablets, and phones across your workforce. → memelord.link/BC2YvMT

Someone submitted a ticket asking me to "make their computer faster." That's the entire ticket. No details. Just "make it faster." I remote connected. Checked everything. Computer is running fine. Normal speed. I closed three browser tabs they weren't using and cleared their downloads folder. Then I sent them this: "I've optimized your system performance by clearing cache files and eliminating background processes. You should notice improved speed now." I did basically nothing. They replied: "OMG SO MUCH FASTER! Thank you!!!" The computer is the same speed it was 10 minutes ago. But they think it's faster, so it is faster. This is my job now. Professional placebo administrator.

Found out we're getting new office chairs next month. Everyone's excited. The current chairs are from 2015 and they're falling apart. Here's what I know that nobody else knows: The new chairs don't arrive until March. But I'm friends with the facilities manager. I asked him if I could get mine early for "ergonomic reasons related to a back issue." There is no back issue. But he felt bad and said he could probably get me one of the first batch that comes in for testing. So I'm getting a new chair in two weeks while everyone else waits until March. One of the perks of being nice to people in departments nobody pays attention to. Facilities, security, cleaning crew - these people can make your life way easier if you treat them like humans. Everyone ignores them. I bring them coffee sometimes. Now I'm getting a new chair two months early.

Someone called me over because their keyboard "isn't working right." I tested it. Keyboard works fine. Turns out they'd turned on Sticky Keys by accident and didn't know what was happening. I turned it off. Explained what Sticky Keys is for. They said "Why would anyone want that feature?" Honestly? Good question. I have no idea who actually uses Sticky Keys intentionally. But it's been randomly activating on people's computers for 20 years and confusing everyone. It's like the appendix of Windows features. Vestigial and occasionally problematic. I closed the ticket as "Resolved - Accessibility Setting." They're probably going to accidentally turn it on again next month. I'll be ready.

I do enough IT support at work, but then I come home and deal with more of the same. My roommate just asked if I can fix his laptop. I said what's wrong with it. He said it's "acting weird." I asked him to be more specific. He said "I don't know, just weird." I told him to restart it and see if that helps. He said "I tried that already." I said try it again. He restarted it. Problem disappeared. He said "What did you do?" I said "I told you to restart it." He said "Yeah but you said it different this time." I restarted it the exact same way as he did. I just had more confidence. 90% of tech support is just doing the same thing the user already tried but making it seem like you're doing something special. The other 10% is actual troubleshooting. But don't tell anyone that or we're all out of jobs.

My coworker just spent 45 minutes explaining the Seahawks game to me like it was the most important thing that's ever happened. I don't follow football. I told him this. He said "But you're from Seattle, right?" I'm not from Seattle. I've never even been to Seattle. He said "Oh I thought you were because you mentioned the rain once." I mentioned rain because it was raining. Here. Where we live. But now he thinks I'm a Seahawks fan and he wants to talk about the NFC Championship. I just nodded and said "Yeah, crazy game." He said "What was your favorite play?" I said "Honestly, they were all great. Hard to pick just one." He looked at me weird but moved on. I have no idea what happened in that game. I was playing Elden Ring. But now I'm apparently a Seahawks fan and I have to maintain this lie. He asked if I'm going to a Super Bowl party. I said probably just watching at home. He said we should do an office pool. I said maybe, I'll think about it. I will not be thinking about it. This is what I get for being polite instead of just saying "I don't care about sports." Now I'm stuck pretending to be excited about the Seahawks for the next two weeks.

A funny thing happened at work today. I got assigned a ticket to "install software" on someone's laptop. The software was already installed. I took a screenshot of the start menu showing the software, sent it to them, closed the ticket. They replied: "Oh I found it! Thank you so much!" They could have found it themselves if they'd looked for 10 seconds. But instead they submitted a ticket and waited 2 hours for me to send them a screenshot. This happens at least once a day. I could teach people to search their own computers. But then I'd have fewer tickets to close. And fewer tickets means management thinks we don't need as many IT people. So I'll keep sending screenshots of their own start menus. Job security is just making yourself slightly more necessary than you actually are.

Deel IT: Identity & Access Management – Control who gets access to apps and devices with automated onboarding/offboarding. → memelord.link/IWbonPA

Someone from HR just asked if I can "quickly" transfer all their files from their old laptop to their new one. I said sure. Told them it'll take about 4 hours because of the data transfer speed and verification process. Reality? It takes 45 minutes. I run a script, it copies everything, done. But I learned a long time ago: never tell people how easy something is. Because if they know it's easy, they'll ask you to do it all the time. For everyone. Forever. So I tell them it's 4 hours. They say "oh wow, okay, whenever you have time." Then I do it in 45 minutes, but I don't tell them it's done until hour 3. They think I dropped everything to help them. They're grateful. They tell their manager I went "above and beyond." Meanwhile, I spent 2 hours watching YouTube and eating snacks. The secret to good customer service isn't speed. It's managing expectations so you always exceed them. Under-promise, over-deliver. Corporate 101. Except I'm not really over-delivering. I'm just lying about the timeline. But tomato, tomahto.