Greg Johnstone

@CrackedRacquets Close second is Agassi’s hairline

No.

Did anything change in a sports career more than the length of Rafael Nadal’s shorts? @CrackedRacquets

As I was walking this morning I thought I could hear something rustling around in my pocket… until I realized the noise was coming from my knees. The noise… was my knees. MY FUCKING KNEES

If you’re wondering where all the world’s excess saw dust goes the answer is inside Quest bars.

Me: Honey I really feel disturbed with how much I like your big butt Wife: Why does that make you feel like you’re disturbed? Me: I’m down with the thickness OWWWW WA A A AH

I’m tired when I’m hungry and eating makes me sleepy. - Adulthood.

High up… HIGH up… on the list of worlds worst people - adults that wear Crocs.

“Hey look at those mountains… oh no wait, they’re Shakira’s breasts” - said no one ever

I took a viagra last night and it got stuck in my throat. Woke up this morning with a stiff neck.

My toxic trait is that I help old ladies cross the street but only when they don’t want to be on the other side

Today we remember Jesus had a foot fetish

Excited to announce I’ve booked my first acting gig. ACTING A FOOL AMIRITE!?

Will someone explain to me why there’s braille on the drive-thru ATM please?

I will not admit AI is useful until it is used by Queen to make new music with Freddie’s voice @QueenWillRock #please #Respectfully

The hottest part of hell is reserved for people who at 12.01 respond to “good morning” by looking at their watch and saying “actually it’s good afternoon”

The question of the evening: Is the man behind me wearing a trench coat? Or is he three small children stacked on top of each other, under a trench coat?

Annnnd Nick Sirianni is a meme

1 billion chicken wings sold this week. I wish we could calculate how many chickens had to die for that. #SuperBowl

Personal growth is my passenger footwell being full of water bottles instead of sugar free Red Bull cans

You ever been in a rush to eat a protein bar? What an infuriating experience.