Greg Johnstone

454 posts

Greg Johnstone

Greg Johnstone

@ImGregJohnstone

2 million+ tiktok followers but I like all few hundred of you more.

West Harrison, NY Katılım Mart 2020
146 Takip Edilen1.2K Takipçiler
Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
Did anything change in a sports career more than the length of Rafael Nadal’s shorts? @CrackedRacquets
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
As I was walking this morning I thought I could hear something rustling around in my pocket… until I realized the noise was coming from my knees. The noise… was my knees. MY FUCKING KNEES
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
If you’re wondering where all the world’s excess saw dust goes the answer is inside Quest bars.
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
Me: Honey I really feel disturbed with how much I like your big butt Wife: Why does that make you feel like you’re disturbed? Me: I’m down with the thickness OWWWW WA A A AH
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
I’m tired when I’m hungry and eating makes me sleepy. - Adulthood.
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
High up… HIGH up… on the list of worlds worst people - adults that wear Crocs.
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
“Hey look at those mountains… oh no wait, they’re Shakira’s breasts” - said no one ever
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
I took a viagra last night and it got stuck in my throat. Woke up this morning with a stiff neck.
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
My toxic trait is that I help old ladies cross the street but only when they don’t want to be on the other side
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
Today we remember Jesus had a foot fetish
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
Excited to announce I’ve booked my first acting gig. ACTING A FOOL AMIRITE!?
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
Will someone explain to me why there’s braille on the drive-thru ATM please?
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
The hottest part of hell is reserved for people who at 12.01 respond to “good morning” by looking at their watch and saying “actually it’s good afternoon”
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
The question of the evening: Is the man behind me wearing a trench coat? Or is he three small children stacked on top of each other, under a trench coat?
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
Annnnd Nick Sirianni is a meme
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
1 billion chicken wings sold this week. I wish we could calculate how many chickens had to die for that. #SuperBowl
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
Personal growth is my passenger footwell being full of water bottles instead of sugar free Red Bull cans
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Greg Johnstone
Greg Johnstone@ImGregJohnstone·
You ever been in a rush to eat a protein bar? What an infuriating experience.
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