Josh Do

That feeling you get when your last starburst is pink then your mom punches you in the face

Wordle but for teenagers, I call it Hurdle. All of the things they’ll have to deal with when they get older. Some words may include: Bills Teeth Loans Death Money Stool #wordle

Still waiting for a Son of Divorced Parents day

I wish I was confident enough to be in a situation and confidently say, “I’ve done the math, it checks out.”

The guy at my local liquor store intimidates me. I asked him if he sold wine bottle caps and he responded, “What? You can’t finish a bottle of wine yourself? Try using the tampon in your vagina.” He then recommended I check Target.

I don't like comedy competitions because I get too into my head and make the stakes too high. Like, thinking if I win it, it'll fix racism.

I’m allergic to dogs, side effects include giving me immense joy and happiness

Something I like to do when someone on the train is playing music loudly on their Bluetooth speaker is to do nothing because they’re probably crazy

@thefakeBMarr Be prepared to be disappointed!

@ImJoshDo About to call to hear this, don’t pick up!

Today was a very productive day, spent about 40 minutes perfecting my voicemail greeting and did nothing else

Seeing a new therapist after being in therapy for several years is great because it’s like, “Yes, all these deep emotional issues I already know about, I just really just want to talk about how limiting ice cream in my diet is starting to ruin my life”

@thomcrowley It would be more normal if you weren’t fully naked as you were doing it

a cool thing about standup is when your normal and cool roommate walks into a room to find you listening to a voice memo recording of yourself talk. it helps me improve! you yell. I am not a psychopath! you insist.

Target self checkout shaming me for using a plastic bag, yah okay well how about this credit card I just found on the ground that works are you judging me now?!

The longer in a relationship you are, the more your farts become performance art for you and your partner.

Trying to give back to this world, I’ve decided I’m going to be less sad than the news.

Anti depressants made it so I no longer want to harm myself, I did wish it would make me stop wanting to harm other people like those who are rude or magicians.

Realized that whenever I get a COVID test, and they ask me if I’m comfortable swabbing myself, that I get way too enthusiastic about saying yes.

Incognito mode is great because it's just you and Google that knows of your shame.

Boston mask mandate lifting means I gotta relearn how to breathe through my nose again

When I was younger, I wanted to look older. Now that I’m older, I want to look less miserable.

This job market is my like dating life because everyone is telling me that they want someone then when I show up they’re just like oh nah never mind I’m better off slowly dying.