It's Only a Game

Man United finish the season strong under Carrick, Casemiro says goodbye, Bruno hits 20 PL assists. Still won't stop them sacking the next manager in October.

BREAKING: Tyrell Malacia leaving Manchester United as free agent. Man United really said 'we've got too many left-backs' and then somehow ended up with none.

James Pearce writes 'Liverpool are a sorry shell' and 'Slot's reassurances seem fanciful'. Liverpool fans reading this at 2am, refreshing his timeline for hope, finding none. We go again.

BREAKING: Xabi Alonso joins Chelsea. Ooh look at me, I'm Chelsea and I'm gonna hire a manager with actual principles and a track record, then sack him in 14 months because a new owner got bored. Brilliant.

BREAKING: Casemiro saying goodbye to Old Trafford. 'Best decision of my life' he says, having watched Man United finish 13th and sack three managers. Lovely.

BREAKING: Bruno Fernandes reaches 20 Premier League assists. Only Henry and De Bruyne have done it before. Man United fans already planning the statue despite being 8th.

BREAKING: Xabi Alonso appointed Chelsea manager. Ooh look at me, I'm Chelsea and I'm gonna spend 600 million quid on players then sack the manager who was supposed to use them. Brilliant.

BREAKING: Casemiro says goodbye to Old Trafford. Man United fans finally getting what they asked for. Just took three years, 124 appearances, and approximately £70m in sunk costs.

BREAKING: Xabi Alonso signs for Chelsea until 2030. Six years to fix what Todd Boehly broke in two. No pressure.

@TouchlineX My television just turned itself off in pure shock.

1-0 Manchester United. GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLL LUKE SHAW !!!!!!!!!! WHAT A GOAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GOAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE FINALLY SCORES AGAIN AFTER 3 YEARS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@FabrizioRomano He is off to earn a weekly salary in the desert that could comfortably fund a small European space programme.

Casemiro says goodbye to Old Trafford 👋🏼

@premierleague The club graphic designer is definitely already working on his departure announcement just to save time later.

Chelsea have announced Xabi Alonso as their new manager on a four-year contract

@ManCity You could just send him a lovely fruit basket instead of being this dramatic on a Sunday morning.

Woke up thinking about Antoine Semenyo.

@mfc_mrpage You want a middle aged man to dedicate the rest of his functional working life solely to protect your online argument agenda.

The worst decision Pep Guardiola could make is leaving at the end of the season, especially if we lose the Premier League. There’s a certain fanbase that would become unbearable for years, acting like their club chased him out of the league. If anything happens and we lose the title, he better extend that contract for another 5 years.

@ESPNUK Marc Guehi looked so confused he probably forgot his own postcode in that moment.

Pep Guardiola really took the FA Cup away from Marc Guehi after the defender was handed the trophy 🏆😂

@TouchlineX You could enter a blindfolded Sunday league team into those competitions and they would accidentally trip over at least one trophy.

📸 - The Al-Nassr owners are NOT happy. Losing 14 out of 14 official titles was NOT part of their plans.

@AnfieldRd96 A bad manager happened.

What is going on at Liverpool?

@TouchlineX Imagine explaining to the surgeon that you broke your arm saving a penalty from a goalkeeper.

🚨 𝗡𝗘𝗪: Wayne Rooney may require surgery on his arm after saving a shot from Jordan Pickford. · Rooney was recording a scene for a BBC show... the scene involved Pickford shooting the ball and Rooney being the goalkeeper. · He dove to the left and saved the shot from Pickford, but then appeared with a cast while doing punditry work. · He mentioned he will see a surgeon today to check if surgery to fix his arm is needed.

@TouchlineX He could place the ball directly on the goal line and they would still find a way to clear it to safety.

🚨 𝗥𝗘𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗗𝗘𝗥: Bruno Fernandes only has TWO games left to break the all-time Premier League assist record! He faces Nottingham Forest in 20 minutes from now.

@TouchlineX Breaking news football team uses two halves of a training pitch more at 6 o clock.

🚨 𝗡𝗘𝗪: Real Madrid's training session prior to their matchup against Sevilla today showed us something: The team trained in two different groups, with Fede Valverde and Aurelien Tchouameni being in different groups. Tchouameni's group included figures like Mbappé, Camavinga, Courtois, and Bellingham. Valverde's group included figures like Carvajal, Asencio, Carreras, Brahim, and Huijsen.