Josh Cousins | Stand-up Comedian

It feels like America has been in a 250 year old custody battle and we are the kids.

@Whatevah_Amy Me neither

Exactly They never went away after that 😂

@Whatevah_Amy Title ideas: “Big Hats and Bad Bets” “The Two Minute Men” “Hold Your Horses”

I’d love to see a documentary about the behind the scenes of the Derby.

Some jokes write themselves…

A JP Morgan exec has been accused of making an employee a “sex slave”. She didn’t just micromanage, she had a hands-on, doggy-style approach.

My wife is training to be a slap fighter, as far as the police are concerned.

BREAKING: Stephen Curry has been diagnosed with a grade 3 hamstring strain. Even his hamstrings are pulling up from three.

Steph Curry put the Clippers to bed like a ‘90s parent…gave ‘em the night night shot.

@EmilySm43 Boomeranging

🤔

@_josephine0_ Venmo cool?

only 2 words.

@earthcurated How sad it is that light pollution dulled our view.

When you look at the night sky, what do you think about most?

Unsolicited feedback… but make it intimate.

@TheSDRShow @gasdigital @LexiLunaxxx A pornstar is like an athlete, a lot of cardio, strict training regimen, and a career that peaks early.

She’s basically LeBron @LexiLunaxxx

History on the tee. A core memory in the crowd. While Rory McIlroy lines up a shot for his second green jacket…this dad’s just making sure his kid remembers it forever. Moments like this are why sports matter. #TheMasters #Golf #RoryMcIlroy #SportsMoments #CoreMemory #Augusta

@Espngreeny The only thing better would be Rosey winning in a playoff. Third time’s the charm.

Justin Rose alone in the lead. So many great stories out there but I think him winning would be the best. #themasters

@TaylorCusack17 Then waking up for the last three holes of the final pairing (chef’s kiss)

Sunday couch naps with The Masters on in the background is unmatched ⛳️😴

Justin Rose may have just hit the shot of the tournament @TheMasters

@BrandenRoderick Why don't skeletons fight each other? They have too many bones to pick.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. 💀⚔️🚫 Happy Sunday! 🎉

@321gaux Doing open mics. They’re the worst!

What do you do to challenge yourself?

Something had to be done…

My #thepitt theory: Robby is going to go on his trip but he’s going to request Langdon be in charge. We’ll learn Langdon has Whitaker’s badge with the intent to get pain meds. The conflict will be whether or not Langdon is the man and doctor Robby believes him to be.