Jeremy Erdheim

You can go to the dog park without owning dog. I looked it up it’s not illegal

Everyday I grow more convinced that Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium was a figment of my imagination

Kid who recently moved from Mississippi and doesn’t realize people don’t just use the state they live in: “1 New Mexico, 2 New Mexico, 3 New Mexico… ready or not here I come!”

I still wear a mask for the same reason I always did (I forgot to brush my teeth)

For the past year and a half I’ve been putting on cologne before Zoom meetings. Who am I trying to impress? My keyboard?

When I schedule emails I don’t want it to be obvious that they are scheduled

I found out today that my parents don’t believe in the Oxford comma. If they tell me they use semi-colons I’m emancipating.

That little section of the highway after a toll booth where there are no lanes is the closest we come to anarchy

Correcting people about your and you’re is a lost cause. Let’s focus our efforts on apart and a part

As a generation, we can eradicate the spelling of words like laugh and cough. It will be ruf but we can get throo it if we try hard enuf.

People with spikes on their car tires have hairy toes

My love language is telling people their phone flashlight is on when they don’t realize

How do people get their friends to invest thousands of dollars in their startups? I have a $6 Venmo request pending from a friend for an Uber we took 3 weeks ago.

If anybody has an extra fan I lost mine. 4th row front right #canegrad

Does this make up for not going to med school mom?

What is the proper number of ha’s to put in a work email? Hahaha seems disingenuous but Hahahaha is just out of control

“How was that shower?”-every person whose house I stay at

I just found out the abbreviation of “casual” is written as “caszh” and that’s not caszh at all

You must have a high coefficient of friction because you’re rubbing me the wrong way

In 24 hours I’m going to give one random person that retweets this tweet $10,000 in Bitcoin! (Yup, gonna experiment with this instead of cash haha) Make sure you follow me so I can dm you if you win :)