James Barnes

Socially awkward fail: So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED. So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what I’d say: “Hey, we’ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.” But no. Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out “We’ve come to hello you.” and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry. Never gonna talk to them again.

Sporting goods: So I have this health teacher who is really insane about exercise. This woman has done ironman triathlons, and talks about going to the YMCA at 5:00am. Yeah she’s crazy. Basically we have this project to pick a health goal to do for a month. Things like drinking water or doing squats. For that you need some motivation so we were talking about physical things to reward ourselves with. She decided to tell us about her sporting goods fetish, where she goes into a store and buys a bunch of gear like they were books. In the middle of this she suddenly goes, “I really like Dick’s” Realizing what she just said, she turned red and in a more quiet voice goes, “please don’t tell your parents.”

He drew it all himself Teacher: Who helped you to draw this map, Jack? Jack: Nobody, sir. Teacher: Didn’t your brother help you? Jack: No, sir. He drew it all himseil.

Question and answer blonde jokes Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: How do you change a blonde\'s mind? A: Blow in her ear. Q: How do you measure a blonde\'s intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write \'Please turn over\' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Whisper A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said. “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word "pee" in church. From now on when you have to "pee" just tell me that you have to whisper.” The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father: “Daddy, I have to whisper.” The father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”

Texas Vs. Australia A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!" They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.' I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?' He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.' I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.' I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?' He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'

School Question Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

Guardian Angel A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

MIND READER One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to one side was a small tent, with a sign that said "For 50 dollars I'll teach you to be a mind reader! - Apply within." So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went inside. Behind a small table inside was an old man, who looked up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons." "Er, yes," the young man said. "Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson." Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and comes back with a hose. "Here, hold this hose," he said. "Why?" said the young man. "It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in the end and tell me what you see." So the young man looks into the end of the hose. "I don't see anything," he says. Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water into the young man's face. "I just knew you'd do something like that." the young man shouts at the old man. "There. You're a mind reader!" the old man replies, "That'll be 50 dollars."

MALE OR FEMALE ? SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE -- male, because it goes bald. WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. PHOTOCOPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up again -- and only when the right buttons are pushed. HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

OUT ALL NIGHT DRINHKING ... An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning. His wife stands over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again

ALL YOU HAVE DONE SINCE YOU GOT HERE ... A man decided to join a very small and very selective order of monks. The order was so devoted to prayer they were only allowed to say 2 words every year. After the first year passed, he went into a small room where he was given the chance to say his two words to the head monk. His two words were "Too cold." The head monk nodded and gave him an extra blanket. The next year passed and he was once again taken into the small room. This time his 2 words were "Bland food." Again the head monk nodded and gave him a box of salt. When the next year had passed they took him back into the small room, and his 2 words were "I quit." "Fine!" exclaimed the exasperated head monk, "All you've done since you got here is complain anyway."

THE BIBLE A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly."I know what the word 'Bible' means!" His father smiled and replied..... "What do you mean, you 'know what the word Bible means'?" The son replied, "I mean I figured out what the word stands for!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the word 'Bible' stand for?" "That's easy, Daddy..." said the boy, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'."

TEN DOLLARS IS TEN DOLLARS Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland,Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Martha, I'd like to get a ride in that airplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars .. and ten dollars is ten dollars." So one year Stumpy says, "Martha, I'm 71 years old, and if I don't go this time I may never go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride is ten dollars ... and ten dollars is ten dollars." So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars." They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out ... but ten dollars is ten dollars."

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed." The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent!"

– I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember.

Nothing is too small to know, and nothing too big to attempt. – William Van Horne

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.