Marisa Tomayonnaise

If a fetus is a child then how come I’m allowed within 100 feet of pregnant women.

Comics will be like Tour Dates! Sept 29 - New Jersey October 8 - NYC October 29 - Connecticut

The crazy thing is that even if Trump did die Democrats would still find a way to lose to him.

I like that Zohran Mamdani is a Muslim Socialist, that means he’ll redistribute 72 virgins.

Just cancelled all my shows in Tehran.

I’m expecting Trump to come out and claim he has an even more aggressive form of cancer.

DNC released a statement claiming Biden’s prostate is stronger than ever.

Hey girl are you a tariff? because I don’t understand you but I’m pretty sure you’re bad for me.

Honestly TikTok should give us all 3,000 extra followers just for the inconvenience.

If someone gets “comics to watch” 5 years in a row is it safe to say that we can stop watching them.

The most unbelievable part of this whole Luigi Mangione case is that an Italian man reads.

@Jesii_ca_M Women who are on their periods.

Luigi Mangione answers the question : What if the Mafia was progressive.

We’re 20 minutes into Thanksgiving dinner and my uncle already used the term “oriental”

@BetMGM Anyone under 70.

Who does Jake Paul have to beat to be considered a top boxer? 🥊

Kamala could of fought better than Tyson.

@proudelephant I think this is unrelated to the election.

No one cares 😂

Trump picks his cabinet like he’s doing auto draft in fantasy football.

@MeghanMcCain Your dad conceded and went back to work in DC - he was a true statesman.

Okay - I’m going to say this because no one else will. The Walz family needs to go home, get off camera, stop making speeches, stop being photographed in DC and heal. It’s very strange to me they aren’t taking some time to be private. I know what I speak of, trust me.

I like when the election drags for a few days because it gives me an excuse to day drink all week.