Jan·da·līze ☆

May 1996 I was blessed with the most beautiful, strong, hardheaded baby named Cassie. She made me so proud. She was wonderful & perfect in every way. On August 29 my daughter died in a tragic accident. Parents aren't supposed to lose their kids. Rest in peace my beautiful angel.

This site under construction indefinitely due to NO ONE giving a shit.

@mattonaroof I don't think he has to worry about the price of brakes. #loaded

I'm no expert, but I think Sammy Hagar could drive 55 if he didn't have one foot on the brakes and one on the gas.

@Incognicki Glad I'm not alone 😂

@Jandalize That line has always bothered me. That shit is gonna cost you at inspection.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like "This store isn't open yet? It's almost 7am!"

The Imperial March from Star Wars has a totally different vibe when played on a kazoo

Quit saying side hustle, you have a part time job

Tripped and almost fell over an extension cord at work and I’m not even that drunk yet.

[cooking instructions] "Start by preheating the oven" I can't do that, that's where I keep my pots and pans

Saying your kid is "a ball of energy" is parent code for "annoying little shit."

Liquor store: We ID everyone. George Washington: *whips out a dollar bill*

Slowly turning into my grandma with every passing day, not the one who was beautiful and read a book a day, the other one who sometimes let her nose drip right into the cookie batter

Alone in a world full of people is a strange feeling.

@ninja_raaawr 🤣🤣🤣🤣

@Jandalize I'm a tequila bottle!

I need a long, tight, consoling hug from a tequila bottle

The first rule of tortillas club is we don’t taco bout it

I don't need your approval. Unless it's covered in nacho cheese, in which case I need it so bad.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but mischievous doesn't have 4 syllables.

When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, “In a pie-eating contest, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose because you get to eat pie.” I think about that a lot.