Jane C. Allen

Combing your eyebrows upwards is NOT something you need to be doing.

Pretty much just always over here waiting patiently for my favorite brands to come out with THE color in the thing I want and then buying it immediately once they do.

If the guy next to me on this flight was hitting anything except for my least favorite flavor of vape, I wouldn’t have asked him to stop.

For some reason my bank hates it when I send India thousands of dollars 😆

Just a quick question for parents that let their kids play on the iPad at full volume in a restaurant. Are you fucking kidding me?

Not me and my therapist hitting her vape together in her office 😬

You know you’ve slipped and fallen out of the Matrix when you can afford anything but there is not even one single thing you want or need at Target.

I was listening to a serious bop loud af in my car with the windows down and this homeless guy started cutting rugs. Man Portland is such a vibe sometimes.

Finally, I’ve reached my fitness goal, to have someone ask me if I’m on Ozempic.

Sometimes I do things and then my brain is like “oh girl, your therapist is not going to like this!!”

Yeah sex is good but have you tried drinking the cheese brine from fresh mozzarella and feta?

It’s St. Patrick’s day and my boyfriend just pinched me in bed because I’m not wearing green. Bro, I’m naked.

When my partner tells me no, I like to respond by telling him more desires I have that are also a “no” “Babe I think we should have [our dog] have a litter of puppies and keep a girl. 2 Schipperkes!” Mm mm no “Babe I really need to go to Mardi Gras. I’ve gotta see the costumes!”

My friend brought me to a Barre 3 class and had to leave class to puke because of the difficulty and after class the instructor told me she was surprised she didn’t recognize me because my performance didn’t look like I was new to the program. Hard (literal) flex.

Me with a bottle of Don Julio 1942 inside the nicest suite Maui Ritz Carlton has to offer: “a sipping tequila, eh?” My partner: “yeah babe, you’re supposed to sip it. But it’s yours. You can do whatever you want with it.” Me: *pours it onto the bottom of an upside down glass*

Los Angeles loves pillow lips and vacant staring.

Los Angeles loves baseball caps with trench coats.

My therapist: “who do other people think you are?” Me: “oh that’s none of my business”

For lunch today I accidentally ate all of the dog’s pumpkin purée thinking it was squash soup. The whole household was confused. For the record, it was not as delicious as the squash soup.