Jarrett Bellini

There’s a direct correlation between my total number of “house work shoes” and the number of times I wore actual good sneakers and said, “I probably won’t make a mess this time.”

TOTO toilets. You see them everywhere. Like this one at the ATL Airport. Which had me wondering … maybe the name TOTO cleverly suggests that when you have to go to the bathroom there really is no place like home.

Easiest prediction in the history of predictions.

Lighten up, Justin.

The loser of the World Cup third place game should have to fly home commercial coach. Middle seats.

@TVietor08 They’re actually doing a much much better job at not caring about a pointless game.

What happened to this French team? They looked unstoppable until Spain just completely unraveled them.

“At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

@ThatEricAlper Send nudes.

If the last text you sent had to be engraved on your tombstone, what would it say?

Damn. Sorry, England. Once again … everything he touches. ⛳️

Today marks the end of the Great American State Fair. Both people have been informed they need to leave by 9pm.

America in 2026: "We're pretty sure the senator is dead." "Naw. He's fine." "Doesn't seem like it." "Just trust us. Until August 3rd." "OK."

An Indiana man was arrested and charged with arson after cutting off his own penis and lighting it on fire. Apparently, he had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, but then she changed her mind and said she still wanted s'more.

Platner is officially out. * breathes dramatically * Fine. I will do it. I'll be the senate candidate for Maine. What do I need to know? Let's see ... Maine. Maine. Maine. That's the one with the clown in the storm drain, right? I'm anti that. #NoEvilClowns #BelliniForMaine

@McConaughey @FIFAWorldCup Have we ruled out Gary Busey?

With all the “who’s to blame?” talk for the USMT loss, it’s past time to admit the answer is Belgium. @FIFAWorldCup

That's it. No more World Cup until Thursday. Great opportunity to reintroduce yourself to loved ones.

He just HAD to get involved.

Belgium playing with house money. USA playing under a cloud. Bad voodoo. Everything he touches. 😑

@cenkuygur To be fair, they've spent 4 days preparing and strategizing for him NOT to be in the lineup.

Here's what I'm not interested in - Belgium crying they have to play us with a full roster. They really want to play us without one of our best players. Wow, what great sportsmanship. I get it if others are pissed, but Belgium thinking it's unfair to play our whole team is weak.

@SenTomCotton By your own admission, maybe you should sit this one out.

I admit that I’m not the biggest soccer fan, but I’m glad President Trump urged FIFA to do the right thing. Good for President Trump, good for Folarin Balogun, good for the USA. I wish liberals could put their country ahead of their politics just once, but I guess that’s asking too much. Let’s join together tonight and cheer our team on to victory.

Balogun should never have seen red. But learning it was the president who intervened has not only stained an otherwise remarkable World Cup, but also spoiled this moment for the USMNT. Just like he'll 100% spoil the eventual trophy photo after the final. Bookmark this.