Jerry James

You are the most impatient person in the world...

wife: Let's take the kids apple picking! This place even let's you walk around with a beer me: Get drunk and throw apples at kids? I'm in

[Michael Cera being interviewed wearing a bear suit and trying so hard not to laugh after describing it as "unbearable"]

If you're insulting a kid make sure you don't say bad things about his mama when she's standing right behind you and she's your wife

wife: I had a dream you watched me eat candy all night me: Me too! Except her name was Destiny wife: me: wife: me: But otherwise, samesies

wife: Let's do it me *takes pants off* w m w m: You meant order dessert didn't you? w [eyes closed and pinching the bridge of her nose] Yeah

What I learned today: - Using a biscuit canister as a grenade isn't funny - My wife isn't going to buy them anymore - My son is a tattletale

wife: What's wrong? [flashback to me trying to walk out of Burger King with like 50 crowns and her making me put them all back] me: Nothing

[Taylor Swift song comes on] wife: I love this son- me: *drives on rumble strip for 4 minutes*

wife: Can you help me with this? me: Yeah! *unhooks her bra* w m w [re-hooking her bra] I meant help me put the groceries on the belt m: Oh

*9 walks around his bed to finish putting a sheet on it* me: That's not how I showed you 9: Sorry*dives across and stretches for the corner*

*wife waits outside restaurant* *sees car drive up* *wonders if it's me* *watches it try to parallel park for 9 minutes* *knows it's me*

mom: Does anyone want a piece of pie? me: Yes, please dad [finally remembers the guys name from the story he told 3 hours ago] Mike Jones!

Not to brag but because of me HR has to send out a memo every 4th of July reminding everyone that fireworks are not allowed in the building

wife: Why were you just screaming? [flashback to me throwing a tantrum because we don't have any Lunchables] me: There was a bee

"One for you, [helium voice] one for me" - me filing up balloons for my kids birthday party

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar? me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth] HR: me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

*opens fridge door* *stands there yelling "Where in the fridge!" and "I don't see it" until my wife comes over and finds the ketchup for me*

"That would look GREAT in our living room!" - me, drunk, about to steal a traffic cone

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*