Jimmy Bernardi

Y is this called X... amirite!?! oof, that was a bad joke. *jumps down waterslide leading to a pool filled with mashed potatoes

@DonnieGoodman_ Can you make these into t-shirts?

I wrote a horror-humor book called The Slappening. Thanks in advance if you check it out!! amazon.com/Slappening-Jam…

13% done with The Slappening, by Jamie Benedi: What's Slappening? goodreads.com/user_status/sh…

@CodySkinnerFan Hahahah thanks buddy 🤌🏻

My niece said she wanted a stuffed animal, so I gave her a raw turkey

Got new shoes... as soon as I can get them down from those telephone wires.

@NickyShowbiz Ahahahah

In some places it’s a compliment to say “she looks like she could take a punch.”

Gum only sticks to two things. The ground and people’s hair. BETTER WATCH OUT, BARBER SHOPS!!

Practical joke. Get a job as a long haul trucker. Speed. Get pulled over. Let cops open the back of the truck. It’s filled with farts 💨

Thought I signed up for a Zumba class but it’s actually a Roomba class. Now I’m just crawling around a room eating dirt.

Meant to buy a bag of Doritos, accidentally bought Diarrhea-itos. Delicious! Love the cheese!

Binging that podcast where Obama interviews Pee-wee Herman.

Alternate Ending to "Midnight in Paris" Owen Wilson’s character is sitting in a padded cell, eating his own shit.

I can’t tell if these chicken McNuggets are getting thinner, or if my hands are just swelling from the salt

Macadamia nut cookies low key keeping Subway afloat, real talk motha fuckas!

Saw a dog pissing on a fire hydrant while a bear was shitting on its head

Nunchucks are the best for someone who doesn’t own a helicopter

When I get old I want to feel young... so I’ll get braces for my dentures

Anybody know a good chiropractor who can crack my knuckles?