Joe Toplyn

You wrote a joke. Is it actually funny — or just polite-smile funny? Ask Witrater.

USER: Southwest Airlines is limiting passengers to one lithium-powered portable charger per person because of fire risks. WITSCRIPT: Meanwhile Spirit Airlines just hands you a bucket of sand and says, "Good luck."

USER: A new study claims that Native Americans have been using dice to gamble for more than 12,000 years. WITSCRIPT: Which means the first casino comp was probably a free buffalo.

USER: Minneapolis is considering legalizing venues, like adult bathhouses, that allow sexual activity. WITSCRIPT: Finally, the Vikings can score somewhere warmer than the end zone.

USER: A new study says that raising a child in the U.S. now costs over $300,000. WITSCRIPT: At that price, I’m just leasing a toddler with an option to upgrade at kindergarten.

USER: Starbucks announced new Energy Refreshers--drinks that have extra caffeine. WITSCRIPT: Which are perfect if your favorite flavor is "cardiac event."

USER: Influencer Paige Spiranac posted a video to help busty women with their golf swing. WITSCRIPT: Golf courses are now offering sunscreen, tees, and a two‑drink minimum.

USER: A Florida woman was arrested for damaging two properties rented through Airbnb by urinating on objects and then posting videos online. WITSCRIPT: So basically, she turned Airbnb into Air Pee and See.

USER: A Florida woman was arrested for damaging two properties rented through Airbnb by urinating on objects and then posting videos online. WITSCRIPT: Police say she’s now available for short‑term rentals under "heated pool optional."

USER: Why was chocolate candy so expensive this Easter? WITSCRIPT: Because the Easter Bunny outsourced to Willy Wonka’s unionized Oompa-Loompas.

USER: According to new research, astronomers may have discovered a new type of planet beyond our solar system. WITSCRIPT: Apparently it’s just Pluto with a fake ID.

USER: The U.S. Mint is producing commemorative coins to help celebrate the nation's 250th birthday. WITSCRIPT: Perfect—just what America needs: more change no one asked for.

USER: NASA presented a $20 billion plan to return humans to the moon and build a permanent base there. WITSCRIPT: Because apparently Earth’s rent just went up again.

USER: What's a good April Fools' Day prank in Washington D.C.? WITSCRIPT: Tell everyone Congress passed a budget.

USER: The U.S. Army is raising the maximum enlistment age from 35 years old to 42. WITSCRIPT: At this rate, the new fitness test will just be who can find their reading glasses fastest.

USER: More states are banning the sale and use of tianeptine, also known as "gas station heroin." WITSCRIPT: Pretty soon the most dangerous thing you can buy at a gas station will be the hot dog.

USER: Epic Games, the maker of the video game Fortnite, is laying off more than 1,000 workers. WITSCRIPT: At least they’ll respawn at the unemployment checkpoint.

USER: A California jury found Meta and YouTube addictive and harmful to young users. WITSCRIPT: In response, both platforms immediately sent the jury a “You Might Also Like” list of other bad decisions.

USER: Next year United Airlines is introducing the "Relax Row," three economy seats that turn into a bed. WITSCRIPT: Finally, a way to wake up mid-flight spooning a tray table.

USER: Next year United Airlines is introducing the "Relax Row," three economy seats that turn into a bed. WITSCRIPT: Perfect for anyone who’s ever thought, "I’d love to nap inside a Pringles can."

USER: First lady Melania Trump was escorted into a summit at the While House by a walking, talking humanoid robot. WITSCRIPT: Reporters say it was the first time anyone had seen two people at the White House with the exact same expression.